2 topics here
Question:
> As far as people not being able to visit your home because of your > mom’s sp, you could tell close friends that she has an anxiety > disorder and that it’s easier for her to cope without guests in the > house. Even though you can’t currently return the favor by inviting > your friends to your home, you can still show you care about them by > inviting them out for lunch or dinner, or by taking them to a movie or > to some local cultural event. Good friends generally understand.
Doug, I understand what you say and agree. But it’s impossible to talk about this with my mom. Couldn’t she have say "I stay in my room/kitchen with the door closed while you stay with your friend in your room" ? Of course she had suffered a bit in silence. She could have helped us son by aknowledging this problem. She refuse to accept she has problems, while I know she thinks I have problems. DAvide – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Doug > Doug
Response:
>From: "Davide" dado…@hotmail.com >She could have helped us son by aknowledging this problem. >She refuse to accept she has problems, while I know she thinks I have >problems. >DAvide
Davide Don’t pass judgment on your mom too quick. After all you’ve never walked in her shoes. As parents we’re supposed to be thr strong ones for our kids and showing weakness was something that was never discussed in the Parenting for Dummies book. Especially back in the days you were growing up. I did the same with my daughter for years, I felt like I couldn’t let her see what was going on with me. But there came a time when we had to talk about it. Right now, I’ve got some issues with my mom that I’m dealing with. Just be careful about dwelling in the past, leave it there where it belongs. Pam
Response:
On Wed, 31 Jan 2001 22:08:47 +0100, "Davide" <dado…@hotmail.com> wrote: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->> As far as people not being able to visit your home because of your >> mom’s sp, you could tell close friends that she has an anxiety >> disorder and that it’s easier for her to cope without guests in the >> house. Even though you can’t currently return the favor by inviting >> your friends to your home, you can still show you care about them by >> inviting them out for lunch or dinner, or by taking them to a movie or >> to some local cultural event. Good friends generally understand. >Doug, I understand what you say and agree. >But it’s impossible to talk about this with my mom. >Couldn’t she have say "I stay in my room/kitchen with the door closed while >you stay with your friend in your room" ? >Of course she had suffered a bit in silence. >She could have helped us son by aknowledging this problem. >She refuse to accept she has problems, while I know she thinks I have >problems. >DAvide
Davide, You have a difficult situation to deal with. Have you openly discussed your sp with your mom? If not, you might consider it. It could help her to open up and talk about her problem. If you’ve already done this, about the only other thing I can think of would be to gently keep trying to discuss her and your situation. You may ultimately have to decide whether it’s better to let things continue as they are between you and your mom (her not willing to admit to having sp) or possibly risk things becoming even more strained by continuing to try to talk to her about her problem. Good luck. Eventually, you’ll get a place of your own, won’t you? Then the problem would solve itself. >> Doug >> Doug
Doug
Response:
> Davide > Don’t pass judgment on your mom too quick. After all you’ve never walked in > her shoes. As parents we’re supposed to be thr strong ones for our kids and > showing weakness was something that was never discussed in the Parenting for > Dummies book. Especially back in the days you were growing up.
Well, I didn’t generalize. I wasn’t talking of all the parents, of all the moms. Isn’t that you feel a bit guilty ? You should not feel guilty because I am sure you are a caring and intelligent mom, not like mine. > I did the same with my daughter for years, I felt like I couldn’t let her see > what was going on with me. But there came a time when we had to talk about it.
What about now ? Do they need a degree to understand ? > Right now, I’ve got some issues with my mom that I’m dealing with. Just be > careful about dwelling in the past, leave it there where it belongs.
I think we are made of past. Who forgets the past will make the same misktakes in the future. That doesn’t mean being obsessed by the past. My mom is guilty, as all of my 4 siblings agree. MAybe me, as the last one, I was more caught into her insane thoughts. DAvide – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Pam
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Davide, > You have a difficult situation to deal with. Have you openly > discussed your sp with your mom? If not, you might consider it. It > could help her to open up and talk about her problem. > If you’ve already done this, about the only other thing I can think of > would be to gently keep trying to discuss her and your situation. You > may ultimately have to decide whether it’s better to let things > continue as they are between you and your mom (her not willing to > admit to having sp) or possibly risk things becoming even more > strained by continuing to try to talk to her about her problem. Good > luck. > Eventually, you’ll get a place of your own, won’t you? Then the > problem would solve itself.
Doug, when I think I am almost 30, that I have suffered lifetime, that since I am 14 I have realized I have no friends and that the people reject me, I don’t care a damn of my beloved mummy. The only thing she could say to me was when I was 18 . There’s was my eldest brother and sister, they told me : "don’t worry it will pass !!!!!" Fuck off, I am 28 and still in the same shit. I have been helped much more by people that hasn’t see me, that don’t know me. This people are Doug, Pam, Grach, Aijko, Cliff(!), Nickf, Thunder, Sylvain, etc etc etc etc…….. You are way better than my silly mom. Talking with her about SP would be like talking with caveman about internet. She was lucky in her life that she wasn’t in need to work. She stayied home to make 5 sons, without money to give them dignity and the possiblity to study. Do you want to know why she made so much sons ? Because she WAS KNOWING SHE WAS ALONE. She did that to fill the void in her life, to create person that she knew they would have loved her. Because nobody else in life would have loved her. It’s a crime to make sons in this way don’t you think ? Only dogs makes sons like that. I have been treated like an idiot for all my life, because when I am in fron of people I freeze and I am fearful, I have never been really accepted in no place. My family is a shit group of people full of problems. I never see my uncle who lives 2 km from here. Last time I saw him was 15 y ago !!! I haven’t seen the relatives on the side of my dad after my dad is dead, because my mom hates them. I don’t know even the names of my relatives. It’s a SHIIIIITTTTTTTT !!!!!!!!!!! Xcuse me Doug, this all wasn’t related to your post, but I will do anything to show how my family is shitty ! DAvide – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> >> Doug > >> Doug > Doug
Response:
On Wed, 31 Jan 2001 09:48:50 +0100, "Davide" <dado…@hotmail.com> wrote: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->French course >My company asked me if I wanted to do a french course. It’s a long time that >I don’t do things like, and I was knowing this will bring me some anxiety. >Of course I said yes. >1^ lesson: The lesson was at 12:30. Is not that I was feeling very anxious, >but since I woke up, my thougths were focused on the fact. I was quite sure >that this was the correct date. I had a doubt for all the morning, but >something inside my mind was stopping me to check on the paper the correct >date. At 12:28 I begun to prepare a notebook to go to the course. I was >standing up to go to the class, when finally something changed in my mind >and I checked the paper. >It was NOT the correct date !!!! >For this error that I made, I had understand that I was very anxious. It’s >tipical of (my) anxiety to worry for silly things but doing nothing to check >them. >I prefer to go on. At the last moment, maybe my brain decided that it was >better to check than to make the mistake. But until a moment before it was >ok to make a mistake than to check. >If I was sure, why I have checked at the last moment ? >If I wasn’t sure, why I have not checked in the morning ? >This is anxiety and there is nothing to understand. I behave in this way. >It’s curious also that this morning I was less anxious than the other time. >It could be understandable if I had make the lesson and so it’s not the >first tiem, but last tuesday I didn’t make any lesson and anyway I was less >anxious today. >The lesson itself went quite smooth. We were in 3 plus the teacher. All the >time we learnt french without small talk. And the other two were not >completely stranger to me. I was a bit anxious, too. >I was always worrying about my tone of voice, if it was not too high. >Sometimes I had difficulties to concentrate, and so when it was my turn to >repeat for example, a group of sentences, I was "sleeping". I was not >concentrated and not paying attention to my colleague makeing the exrcise. >Even if I wasn’t really thinking about something I was not concentrated. >That’s anxiety, too. All in all it has been a good experience. >Summerizing my symptoms of anxiety are: >rigid posture ( I am really not laid back on the chair), >cold legs (the circulation stops ?) >stomach closed (no taste to eat (it was lunchtime)), difficulties of >digestion. >voice more high (that’s why I was worrying) >abrupt movement of the head (it’s the more visible I think), when someone >calls me or requires my attention I turn my head quickly and abruptly. >People notice it and it sucks. >How is to have a sp mom. >I will not take you here with the story of my family, but I wanted just to >tell 2 things. >The first is that my mom really doesn’t like to receive strangers in our >home. She is sp and so she feels anxious when there are strangers in the >home. That means that no one of my friends (the few that I had in 27 years) >had come to my home. When I was younger, an my dad was still alive, things >were a bit different. So, I am sure that in twelve years, no one of my >friends was invited to my home. No one to study toghether, no one invited to >take dinner, no one invited to watch a movie. This is sad for a normal >person, so what is for me that I am SP. >I was regularly going to the houses of my friends, and so I was feeling >ashame because I wasn’t able to give back their politeness, and also I was >feeling inferior because it seemed to me that they had an happy family. Same >for girlfriends. >Ok, I am not the good one to talk about girlfriends, but my siblings told me >that their loved ones were always sent away from home. >Second, the gifts. My dad was telling me: NEVER ACCEPT A GIFT BECAUSE YOU >WILL HAVE TO GIVE SOMETHING BACK. I have heard this phrase many times. At >the time my family was having a bit of economic problems. But this >behaviour, (that was reflected not only in gifts) has hurt me bad, and >obviously was hurting my friends, that were suprised of my behavious. >I don’t want to say that the responsability of my social problems is of my >partens, but I would say they have a good 75%. >And consider that I put myself in discussion, a thing that they never >attemted to do. >Now, can I hate a bit my parents ?
Davide, Will it do you any good to hate your parents? Maybe it would be better to accept the fact that your parents have flaws, like all of us. Coming to the realization that they probably contributed to your having sp, and being a littler bitter about it, is normal. But try not to dwell on the past too much; it won’t make your anxiety any better. As far as people not being able to visit your home because of your mom’s sp, you could tell close friends that she has an anxiety disorder and that it’s easier for her to cope without guests in the house. Even though you can’t currently return the favor by inviting your friends to your home, you can still show you care about them by inviting them out for lunch or dinner, or by taking them to a movie or to some local cultural event. Good friends generally understand. Doug Doug
Response:
French course My company asked me if I wanted to do a french course. It’s a long time that I don’t do things like, and I was knowing this will bring me some anxiety. Of course I said yes. 1^ lesson: The lesson was at 12:30. Is not that I was feeling very anxious, but since I woke up, my thougths were focused on the fact. I was quite sure that this was the correct date. I had a doubt for all the morning, but something inside my mind was stopping me to check on the paper the correct date. At 12:28 I begun to prepare a notebook to go to the course. I was standing up to go to the class, when finally something changed in my mind and I checked the paper. It was NOT the correct date !!!! For this error that I made, I had understand that I was very anxious. It’s tipical of (my) anxiety to worry for silly things but doing nothing to check them. I prefer to go on. At the last moment, maybe my brain decided that it was better to check than to make the mistake. But until a moment before it was ok to make a mistake than to check. If I was sure, why I have checked at the last moment ? If I wasn’t sure, why I have not checked in the morning ? This is anxiety and there is nothing to understand. I behave in this way. It’s curious also that this morning I was less anxious than the other time. It could be understandable if I had make the lesson and so it’s not the first tiem, but last tuesday I didn’t make any lesson and anyway I was less anxious today. The lesson itself went quite smooth. We were in 3 plus the teacher. All the time we learnt french without small talk. And the other two were not completely stranger to me. I was a bit anxious, too. I was always worrying about my tone of voice, if it was not too high. Sometimes I had difficulties to concentrate, and so when it was my turn to repeat for example, a group of sentences, I was "sleeping". I was not concentrated and not paying attention to my colleague makeing the exrcise. Even if I wasn’t really thinking about something I was not concentrated. That’s anxiety, too. All in all it has been a good experience. Summerizing my symptoms of anxiety are: rigid posture ( I am really not laid back on the chair), cold legs (the circulation stops ?) stomach closed (no taste to eat (it was lunchtime)), difficulties of digestion. voice more high (that’s why I was worrying) abrupt movement of the head (it’s the more visible I think), when someone calls me or requires my attention I turn my head quickly and abruptly. People notice it and it sucks. How is to have a sp mom. I will not take you here with the story of my family, but I wanted just to tell 2 things. The first is that my mom really doesn’t like to receive strangers in our home. She is sp and so she feels anxious when there are strangers in the home. That means that no one of my friends (the few that I had in 27 years) had come to my home. When I was younger, an my dad was still alive, things were a bit different. So, I am sure that in twelve years, no one of my friends was invited to my home. No one to study toghether, no one invited to take dinner, no one invited to watch a movie. This is sad for a normal person, so what is for me that I am SP. I was regularly going to the houses of my friends, and so I was feeling ashame because I wasn’t able to give back their politeness, and also I was feeling inferior because it seemed to me that they had an happy family. Same for girlfriends. Ok, I am not the good one to talk about girlfriends, but my siblings told me that their loved ones were always sent away from home. Second, the gifts. My dad was telling me: NEVER ACCEPT A GIFT BECAUSE YOU WILL HAVE TO GIVE SOMETHING BACK. I have heard this phrase many times. At the time my family was having a bit of economic problems. But this behaviour, (that was reflected not only in gifts) has hurt me bad, and obviously was hurting my friends, that were suprised of my behavious. I don’t want to say that the responsability of my social problems is of my partens, but I would say they have a good 75%. And consider that I put myself in discussion, a thing that they never attemted to do. Now, can I hate a bit my parents ?
Response:
On Thu, 1 Feb 2001 05:03:55 +0100, "Davide" <dado…@hotmail.com> wrote: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->> Davide, >> You have a difficult situation to deal with. Have you openly >> discussed your sp with your mom? If not, you might consider it. It >> could help her to open up and talk about her problem. >> If you’ve already done this, about the only other thing I can think of >> would be to gently keep trying to discuss her and your situation. You >> may ultimately have to decide whether it’s better to let things >> continue as they are between you and your mom (her not willing to >> admit to having sp) or possibly risk things becoming even more >> strained by continuing to try to talk to her about her problem. Good >> luck. >> Eventually, you’ll get a place of your own, won’t you? Then the >> problem would solve itself. >Doug, >when I think I am almost 30, that I have suffered lifetime, that since I am >14 I have realized I have no friends and that the people reject me, I don’t >care a damn of my beloved mummy. >The only thing she could say to me was when I was 18 . There’s was my eldest >brother and sister, they told me : "don’t worry it will pass !!!!!" >Fuck off, I am 28 and still in the same shit. >I have been helped much more by people that hasn’t see me, that don’t know >me. >This people are Doug, Pam, Grach, Aijko, Cliff(!), Nickf, Thunder, Sylvain, >etc etc etc etc…….. >You are way better than my silly mom. >Talking with her about SP would be like talking with caveman about internet. >She was lucky in her life that she wasn’t in need to work. She stayied home >to make 5 sons, without money to give them dignity and the possiblity to >study. >Do you want to know why she made so much sons ? >Because she WAS KNOWING SHE WAS ALONE. She did that to fill the void in her >life, to create person that she knew they would have loved her. >Because nobody else in life would have loved her. >It’s a crime to make sons in this way don’t you think ? >Only dogs makes sons like that. >I have been treated like an idiot for all my life, because when I am in fron >of people I freeze and I am fearful, I have never been really accepted in no >place. >My family is a shit group of people full of problems. >I never see my uncle who lives 2 km from here. Last time I saw him was 15 y >ago !!! >I haven’t seen the relatives on the side of my dad after my dad is dead, >because my mom hates them. >I don’t know even the names of my relatives. >It’s a SHIIIIITTTTTTTT !!!!!!!!!!! >Xcuse me Doug, this all wasn’t related to your post, but I will do anything >to show how my family is shitty ! >DAvide
Davide, I don’t know what to say except that I’m sorry to hear that your family has not supported you at all in dealing with your sp. Even so, brooding about the past won’t help you to function any better in the present. Have you thought about moving out and getting an apartment of your own? Is it possible for you to do this? Doug
Response:
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