long something-or-other without a title SP: si, whining
Question:
(((((chelsea))))) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – It’s getting worse. I can’t help but remember that I declined into my worst crash ever last fall and winter. I really don’t think it’s SAD, but maybe there’s a component? Is it possible to really love the fall and winter, even the cold rainy days, and still have SAD? I’m going to buy a couple of those light bulbs and try them, just in case. Since my Effexor dose was cut from 450/day to 150, I feel much better physically – and much worse mentally. I am grasping for straws. The thoughts of death are steadily increasing. I find myself startled to discover that I’ve spent the past hour or two working out the details of how I can do it and make it look like an accident (to spare my family a bit). I even started lurking in ASH again. It’s as if my mind is cranking away without my presence – it’s a separate entity. Crying all fricking day long feels so horrible. Unable to get to work on time, if at all, and I like my job. Everything triggers me. So yesterday I took my first klonny. Newly prescribed by the new pdoc, who added "anxiety disorder" to my diagnosis. Another turn down my spiral. I wait all week for Saturday to come, so I can get caught up in ASD and ASDF. Sometimes it pulls me further down, but most times I find something to dig my fingers into and hang on a little while longer. Some days I can’t make sense of anything I read, so I don’t respond to anyone and feel like a leach. Kim and Chimera, dang – I read you two all week and screamed inside, but could not think of a word to say to let either of you know how much I care. I’m so sorry. Sometimes it seems presumptuous of me to respond to anyone, as if anything I might have to say could be helpful! Which reminds me – has anyone heard from SoloMonkey or CT? I’m worried… Last night I was furious with my SO b/c I got this stupid idea in my head that he had spent the night earlier this week with someone else (when I know darned well that he was at his brother’s house). I knew I was wrong and being crazy, yet couldn’t seem to control the emotions.This has never happened to me before. I trust him implicitly and he has never given me cause to suspect that he’d be unfaithful. He’s got too much integrity – if he wanted to be with someone else, he’d break up with me rather than cheat on me. So I didn’t tell him all of this, b/c I know it would hurt him. Yet I couldn’t get rid of my fury. So I’m sure he is totally confused and angry and this morning I will have to confess the truth of my stupidity. OMG, how on earth does anyone manage to be a decent partner with this monster inside of them? Scott’s the best guy I’ve ever known, and he deserves so much better than me. 
My mind chants "IwishtobedeadIwishtobedeadIwishtobedead." I’d never say "I wish to…" in real life. I am possessed by the monster and it’s dragging me under. This whole post is so stupid. I just wanted to find a way to say that I feel really awful and I’m scared to death b/c it’s not getting any better. For the holidays this year, I want to either go to the Bahamas or be unconscious. Maybe both. For anyone who’s still reading, thank you for listening. chelsea — "What a waste it is to lose one’s mind, or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." Dan Quayle
Response:
Thank you.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – (((((chelsea)))))
Response:
It’s getting worse. I can’t help but remember that I declined into my worst crash ever last fall and winter. I really don’t think it’s SAD, but maybe there’s a component? Is it possible to really love the fall and winter, even the cold rainy days, and still have SAD? I’m going to buy a couple of those light bulbs and try them, just in case. Since my Effexor dose was cut from 450/day to 150, I feel much better physically – and much worse mentally. I am grasping for straws. The thoughts of death are steadily increasing. I find myself startled to discover that I’ve spent the past hour or two working out the details of how I can do it and make it look like an accident (to spare my family a bit). I even started lurking in ASH again. It’s as if my mind is cranking away without my presence – it’s a separate entity. Crying all fricking day long feels so horrible. Unable to get to work on time, if at all, and I like my job. Everything triggers me. So yesterday I took my first klonny. Newly prescribed by the new pdoc, who added "anxiety disorder" to my diagnosis. Another turn down my spiral. I wait all week for Saturday to come, so I can get caught up in ASD and ASDF. Sometimes it pulls me further down, but most times I find something to dig my fingers into and hang on a little while longer. Some days I can’t make sense of anything I read, so I don’t respond to anyone and feel like a leach. Kim and Chimera, dang – I read you two all week and screamed inside, but could not think of a word to say to let either of you know how much I care. I’m so sorry. Sometimes it seems presumptuous of me to respond to anyone, as if anything I might have to say could be helpful! Which reminds me – has anyone heard from SoloMonkey or CT? I’m worried… Last night I was furious with my SO b/c I got this stupid idea in my head that he had spent the night earlier this week with someone else (when I know darned well that he was at his brother’s house). I knew I was wrong and being crazy, yet couldn’t seem to control the emotions.This has never happened to me before. I trust him implicitly and he has never given me cause to suspect that he’d be unfaithful. He’s got too much integrity – if he wanted to be with someone else, he’d break up with me rather than cheat on me. So I didn’t tell him all of this, b/c I know it would hurt him. Yet I couldn’t get rid of my fury. So I’m sure he is totally confused and angry and this morning I will have to confess the truth of my stupidity. OMG, how on earth does anyone manage to be a decent partner with this monster inside of them? Scott’s the best guy I’ve ever known, and he deserves so much better than me. My mind chants "IwishtobedeadIwishtobedeadIwishtobedead." I’d never say "I wish to…" in real life. I am possessed by the monster and it’s dragging me under. This whole post is so stupid. I just wanted to find a way to say that I feel really awful and I’m scared to death b/c it’s not getting any better. For the holidays this year, I want to either go to the Bahamas or be unconscious. Maybe both. For anyone who’s still reading, thank you for listening. chelsea — "What a waste it is to lose one’s mind, or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." Dan Quayle
