They still don't get it…….
Question:
Dear Anne and Anna, thank you both so much for being angry for me.
LOL! I am good at being mad on someone else’s behalf. It’s harder when I have to do it for *me*!! :-) He did tell me he feels the closest to me and that I’m the hub of the family and he misses me.
Well, this explains a lot. He misses you… but he had a very immature way of showing it! But between you and me, girls, I still hear wifey’s words coming out of his mouth at times.
I don’t doubt this for a minute, Rita. she’s a Nordstrom princess who knows how to stamp her foot until she gets her way.
ROFL! — Nordstrom princess, indeed. Let’s sic Diva on her. That would be an interesting match-up! Rita, I hear you feeling a bit better. I think it’s wonderful that your son got to hear *your* perspective on all this. Maybe he’ll be a bit more assertive with the princess from now on, at least where you are concerned. Love, Anne
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi everyone….I’ve been off more than on for the past month or so, but I’m finally getting caught up with things. Shopping done, (but still not wrapped, Robin), house decorated, caught up on most of the cleaning, etc. Now down to my real issue. I received a call from one of my married sons Saturday telling me that he had to tell me something that he’s been carrying around for five years. Immediate groan from me – oh no, here it comes! I knew it wasn’t going to be anything good. Sure enough, I was right. It seems he’s been upset for five years because I haven’t been up to his house often enough. Excuse me, son? says I. For over three of those years I was lucky to get to the grocery store. OK, he says, it’s only been the last year. First let me explain something to the group….this son decided to live over an hour away from the rest of the family, then moved even further away last year, most of the traveling is on 95 and the Blue Rt., then after you get off them with your heart in your mouth, you have to drive down rural winding, hilly, two way little roads with no street lights to get to his house. I would say that takes about another half hour until you reach his house, that is if you were able to read the little antique street signs in the dark so you would know where to turn left or right. The fact that most of the signs have trees draped over them doesn’t help. Back to me not going there often enough. You notice I keep saying ME, not his brothers or sister, not his father, but me. None of them have gone up to see him very often either, but for some reason I am the one who’s not coming has bothered him the most. And let me not forget that he and his wife (who doesn’t work) come down here about as often as the rest go up there….another words, if it weren’t because of a special occasion either down here or up there, we would hardly see each other. I won’t even get into the fact that we’re his parents and grandparents to his little ones and when Joe and I were younger it was our duty to get our kids to see their grandparents, not the other way around. But I digress….to make a long story short, the reason he’s upset is because now that I’m feeling pretty much better again, they have heard me say that I’ve been going to the malls, shopping, here and there and that upset them. Why? Because if I could go to those places why couldn’t I try to come up their house? <I have been to their home every there was a party, special occasion, etc But he was "upset" that I haven’t come up on my own!! It was only when I explained that the malls, etc., that I went to were within my territory and places where I was familiar with the surrounding roads that he finally started to "get it." I told him it had nothing to do with desire, but disability on my part ( and yes, I admit, not much guts) to face unfamiliar locations and highways. Then he understood, but he felt I should have told him that’s the reason I haven’t been up on my own. Gee, son, thanks for giving me a break! Isn’t it strange that so much more is expected of us who have Panic/Anxiety Disorder than is expected from those who don’t? I just don’t get it. I asked him why he wasn’t upset over his brother’s and sister not coming up any more often than I do or why he’s upset at me when he doesn’t come down here very often either? His answer? Well, he was so busy and he knew they were too, but I promised to try to come up and I never did. Huh?? That is what he was so upset about? Puleeze, my head hurts from banging it against a brick wall. Where’s the aspirin? Is it just me or what? Am I the one who doesn’t get it? Why am I being picked on <whine? The fact that Joe and I are into our late 60’s and beginning to suffer from driving at night because of the lights, well, where there are lights….even the Blue Rt. doesn’t have street lights until you get close to where we exit – doesn’t seem to cut us a break. Sigh…. If anyone has an answer or can explain this to me so I can understand it, I’d appreciate hearing it. Personally, I am getting so sick and tired of trying to explain, make up for, pretend I’m fine when I’m not, do this and do that so no one gets their feelings hurt. I HAVE DEPRESSION AND PANIC DISORDER…..HELLO!!!! I’m much better than I was, but will never be free, but why do I have to keep proving it to other people’s expectations of what "better" is? I don’t and I also don’t give a damn anymore. ~Rita :-(
Rita, we all run nto these things from time to time, I think. The reason why your son blames you more than the others for not having come on your own may be that you are his only *mother* and you are a very *good* mother and maybe somewhere in a corner of his mind you have remained the omnipotent parent and it just didn’t dawn on him that this would be something you just cold not do. I mean he knows on a *rational* level but not on a *child* level… in a way it may even have been a more or less unintended compliment 
) Philip
Response:
You are so right about that, Jackie. I told my son if I ever acted out how I sometimes feel inside, they would have me in a straight jacket….. Love, Rita
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Rita wrote…… <snipped If anyone has an answer or can explain this to me so I can understand it, I’d appreciate hearing it. Personally, I am getting so sick and tired of trying to explain, make up for, pretend I’m fine when I’m not, do this and do that so no one gets their feelings hurt. I HAVE DEPRESSION AND PANIC DISORDER…..HELLO!!!! I’m much better than I was, but will never be free, but why do I have to keep proving it to other people’s expectations of what "better" is? I don’t and I also don’t give a damn anymore. Dear Rita, I`m so sorry that your son has hurt you! It is so painful to feel picked on and not understood, I`ve been there with my husband. I think the problem is we look alright, no one can "see" our pain and suffering. My husband has told me, "you can breath and walk, so you can do anything". People don`t realize that anxiety and depression can be as much as a disability as some physical disorders. Would your son have said what he said to you had you been in a wheelchair the last 5 years? Here is a good website for family and friends of anxiety sufferer`s, perhaps you could e-mail the link to your son. http://pacificcoast.net/~kstrong/ Please take care {{{{{Rita}}}}} Jackie ~*~When you find yourself the victim of other people’s bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse. You could be them……
Response:
Dearest Anna, please read my reply to Anne….it’s for you too. Love, Rita – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Rita: Your post has me so angry. I know your son is a lovely guy, but … how old is he? He sounds unbelievably narcissistic for an adult. Does he also expect the sun, moon, and stars to revolve around his needs? We moms have to remember how special and important we are to our kids, and realize that our attentions matter the very most to them. But that’s not a license for them to act like two year olds. I’m sorry to sound so insulting, but I am totally riled up on your behalf! This is unfair and childish. I’m sure your son feels better now that he’s transferred his neediness and petulance, and left you with this unnecessary burden. :-( GRRRRR! Love, Anne Since I could not express myself any better I piggy-back on Anne’s opinion. You did not deserve this Rita and you can tell your son that ! Much love from Anna
Response:
Dear Anne and Anna, thank you both so much for being angry for me. Anne, you took the words right out of Joe’s mouth. He told M. to grow up and face reality…only he said it in a more manly manner, if you get my drift..LOL! He just left after stopping in from work and tried to explain AGAIN where he was coming from. And they say women never give up! I didn’t tell you his wife got involved in all this, which she shouldn’t because it was between M and me. You think I’m a hot-headed Italian? Whew….I can feel the flames from here. Anyway I’ve learned to never say "never"….like I have so many times…"We’ve never had an argument between family members." WRONG!!! But this will get straightened out cause I’m not a grudge holder, but I don’t feel like talking to my D-I-L tonight. And I told M I was never (there I go again) going to tell him I was coming to his house. This way he couldn’t hold me to it. Sigh…..geeze, this is my kid? The real problem is he moved too far away and he misses his family….or should I say he misses the capability to run in for a minute now and then. He almost had tears in his eyes admitting he should have moved somewhere between her family and his. But, sadly, we all have to learn from our experiences. He did tell me he feels the closest to me and that I’m the hub of the family and he misses me. So M is going to have to make the trip down to see me a little more than he has in the past. What can I say? But between you and me, girls, I still hear wifey’s words coming out of his mouth at times. Shhhhh, don’t tell anybody, but she’s a Nordstrom princess who knows how to stamp her foot until she gets her way. But I love her anyway. She’s my granddaughter’s mom, so I love her for giving me them. It will all work out in a couple of days when things settle down a bit. And when I get some more prayers in for a mouth that speaks only peace. Not quite there yet……. Thanks anyway you guys! Love ya, Rita
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Rita: Your post has me so angry. I know your son is a lovely guy, but … how old is he? He sounds unbelievably narcissistic for an adult. Does he also expect the sun, moon, and stars to revolve around his needs? We moms have to remember how special and important we are to our kids, and realize that our attentions matter the very most to them. But that’s not a license for them to act like two year olds. I’m sorry to sound so insulting, but I am totally riled up on your behalf! This is unfair and childish. I’m sure your son feels better now that he’s transferred his neediness and petulance, and left you with this unnecessary burden. :-( GRRRRR! Love, Anne
Response:
Rita wrote……
<snipped If anyone has an answer or can explain this to me so I can understand it, I’d appreciate hearing it. Personally, I am getting so sick and tired of trying to explain, make up for, pretend I’m fine when I’m not, do this and do that so no one gets their feelings hurt. I HAVE DEPRESSION AND PANIC DISORDER…..HELLO!!!! I’m much better than I was, but will never be free, but why do I have to keep proving it to other people’s expectations of what "better" is? I don’t and I also don’t give a damn anymore.
Dear Rita, I`m so sorry that your son has hurt you! It is so painful to feel picked on and not understood, I`ve been there with my husband. I think the problem is we look alright, no one can "see" our pain and suffering. My husband has told me, "you can breath and walk, so you can do anything". People don`t realize that anxiety and depression can be as much as a disability as some physical disorders. Would your son have said what he said to you had you been in a wheelchair the last 5 years? Here is a good website for family and friends of anxiety sufferer`s, perhaps you could e-mail the link to your son. http://pacificcoast.net/~kstrong/ Please take care {{{{{Rita}}}}} Jackie ~*~When you find yourself the victim of other people’s bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse. You could be them……
Response:
Hi, Rita, I empathize with you because I have relatives who just don’t understand it and probably never will. It all comes down to "walking in our shoes for awhile". If we could have anything in the world taken away from us I think just about everyone here would rid theirselves of anxiety. You did what you could – explained how you felt and where you are in your recovery. Now it is his turn to educate himself on the disorder. Keep on doing the best you can and just know that you can’t and aren’t willing to be pushed beyond your comfort zones… It’s never worth a setback! smiles, Elise
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi everyone….I’ve been off more than on for the past month or so, but I’m finally getting caught up with things. Shopping done, (but still not wrapped, Robin), house decorated, caught up on most of the cleaning, etc. Now down to my real issue. I received a call from one of my married sons Saturday telling me that he had to tell me something that he’s been carrying around for five years. Immediate groan from me – oh no, here it comes! I knew it wasn’t going to be anything good. Sure enough, I was right. It seems he’s been upset for five years because I haven’t been up to his house often enough. Excuse me, son? says I. For over three of those years I was lucky to get to the grocery store. OK, he says, it’s only been the last year. First let me explain something to the group….this son decided to live over an hour away from the rest of the family, then moved even further away last year, most of the traveling is on 95 and the Blue Rt., then after you get off them with your heart in your mouth, you have to drive down rural winding, hilly, two way little roads with no street lights to get to his house. I would say that takes about another half hour until you reach his house, that is if you were able to read the little antique street signs in the dark so you would know where to turn left or right. The fact that most of the signs have trees draped over them doesn’t help. Back to me not going there often enough. You notice I keep saying ME, not his brothers or sister, not his father, but me. None of them have gone up to see him very often either, but for some reason I am the one who’s not coming has bothered him the most. And let me not forget that he and his wife (who doesn’t work) come down here about as often as the rest go up there….another words, if it weren’t because of a special occasion either down here or up there, we would hardly see each other. I won’t even get into the fact that we’re his parents and grandparents to his little ones and when Joe and I were younger it was our duty to get our kids to see their grandparents, not the other way around. But I digress….to make a long story short, the reason he’s upset is because now that I’m feeling pretty much better again, they have heard me say that I’ve been going to the malls, shopping, here and there and that upset them. Why? Because if I could go to those places why couldn’t I try to come up their house? <I have been to their home every there was a party, special occasion, etc But he was "upset" that I haven’t come up on my own!! It was only when I explained that the malls, etc., that I went to were within my territory and places where I was familiar with the surrounding roads that he finally started to "get it." I told him it had nothing to do with desire, but disability on my part ( and yes, I admit, not much guts) to face unfamiliar locations and highways. Then he understood, but he felt I should have told him that’s the reason I haven’t been up on my own. Gee, son, thanks for giving me a break! Isn’t it strange that so much more is expected of us who have Panic/Anxiety Disorder than is expected from those who don’t? I just don’t get it. I asked him why he wasn’t upset over his brother’s and sister not coming up any more often than I do or why he’s upset at me when he doesn’t come down here very often either? His answer? Well, he was so busy and he knew they were too, but I promised to try to come up and I never did. Huh?? That is what he was so upset about? Puleeze, my head hurts from banging it against a brick wall. Where’s the aspirin? Is it just me or what? Am I the one who doesn’t get it? Why am I being picked on <whine? The fact that Joe and I are into our late 60’s and beginning to suffer from driving at night because of the lights, well, where there are lights….even the Blue Rt. doesn’t have street lights until you get close to where we exit – doesn’t seem to cut us a break. Sigh…. If anyone has an answer or can explain this to me so I can understand it, I’d appreciate hearing it. Personally, I am getting so sick and tired of trying to explain, make up for, pretend I’m fine when I’m not, do this and do that so no one gets their feelings hurt. I HAVE DEPRESSION AND PANIC DISORDER…..HELLO!!!! I’m much better than I was, but will never be free, but why do I have to keep proving it to other people’s expectations of what "better" is? I don’t and I also don’t give a damn anymore. ~Rita :-(
Response:
Hi everyone….I’ve been off more than on for the past month or so, but I’m finally getting caught up with things. Shopping done, (but still not wrapped, Robin), house decorated, caught up on most of the cleaning, etc.
I told you….all you have to do is pay the travel, lodging and food and I’ll wrap them all for free LOLOL<snip Now to respond to this…. Wish I could. I get the same thing from everyone too. Not to mention adding in the fact that NO ONE comes to my house…my sister (who lives 5 miles from me) can have an event at her house and the entire world shows up, but let me say ‘why don’t you guys come see us?’ and it’s too far….blah blah. No one gets it. NO ONE. I’ve decided that it’s just a fact of life. People suck sometimes. If anyone has an answer or can explain this to me so I can understand it, I’d appreciate hearing it. Personally, I am getting so sick and tired of trying to explain, make up for, pretend I’m fine when I’m not, do this and do that so no one gets their feelings hurt. I HAVE DEPRESSION AND PANIC DISORDER…..HELLO!!!! I’m much better than I was, but will never be free, but why do I have to keep proving it to other people’s expectations of what "better" is? I don’t and I also don’t give a damn anymore. ~Rita :-(
Robin http://www.geocities.com/reinventingrobin I need to take an emotional breath, step back and remind myself who’s actually in charge of my life. ~Judith Knowlton
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Rita: Your post has me so angry. I know your son is a lovely guy, but … how old is he? He sounds unbelievably narcissistic for an adult. Does he also expect the sun, moon, and stars to revolve around his needs? We moms have to remember how special and important we are to our kids, and realize that our attentions matter the very most to them. But that’s not a license for them to act like two year olds. I’m sorry to sound so insulting, but I am totally riled up on your behalf! This is unfair and childish. I’m sure your son feels better now that he’s transferred his neediness and petulance, and left you with this unnecessary burden. :-( GRRRRR! Love, Anne
Since I could not express myself any better I piggy-back on Anne’s opinion. You did not deserve this Rita and you can tell your son that ! Much love from Anna
Response:
Rita: Your post has me so angry. I know your son is a lovely guy, but … how old is he? He sounds unbelievably narcissistic for an adult. Does he also expect the sun, moon, and stars to revolve around his needs? We moms have to remember how special and important we are to our kids, and realize that our attentions matter the very most to them. But that’s not a license for them to act like two year olds. I’m sorry to sound so insulting, but I am totally riled up on your behalf! This is unfair and childish. I’m sure your son feels better now that he’s transferred his neediness and petulance, and left you with this unnecessary burden. :-( GRRRRR! Love, Anne
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi everyone….I’ve been off more than on for the past month or so, but I’m finally getting caught up with things. Shopping done, (but still not wrapped, Robin), house decorated, caught up on most of the cleaning, etc. Now down to my real issue. I received a call from one of my married sons Saturday telling me that he had to tell me something that he’s been carrying around for five years. Immediate groan from me – oh no, here it comes! I knew it wasn’t going to be anything good. Sure enough, I was right. It seems he’s been upset for five years because I haven’t been up to his house often enough. Excuse me, son? says I. For over three of those years I was lucky to get to the grocery store. OK, he says, it’s only been the last year. First let me explain something to the group….this son decided to live over an hour away from the rest of the family, then moved even further away last year, most of the traveling is on 95 and the Blue Rt., then after you get off them with your heart in your mouth, you have to drive down rural winding, hilly, two way little roads with no street lights to get to his house. I would say that takes about another half hour until you reach his house, that is if you were able to read the little antique street signs in the dark so you would know where to turn left or right. The fact that most of the signs have trees draped over them doesn’t help. Back to me not going there often enough. You notice I keep saying ME, not his brothers or sister, not his father, but me. None of them have gone up to see him very often either, but for some reason I am the one who’s not coming has bothered him the most. And let me not forget that he and his wife (who doesn’t work) come down here about as often as the rest go up there….another words, if it weren’t because of a special occasion either down here or up there, we would hardly see each other. I won’t even get into the fact that we’re his parents and grandparents to his little ones and when Joe and I were younger it was our duty to get our kids to see their grandparents, not the other way around. But I digress….to make a long story short, the reason he’s upset is because now that I’m feeling pretty much better again, they have heard me say that I’ve been going to the malls, shopping, here and there and that upset them. Why? Because if I could go to those places why couldn’t I try to come up their house? <I have been to their home every there was a party, special occasion, etc But he was "upset" that I haven’t come up on my own!! It was only when I explained that the malls, etc., that I went to were within my territory and places where I was familiar with the surrounding roads that he finally started to "get it." I told him it had nothing to do with desire, but disability on my part ( and yes, I admit, not much guts) to face unfamiliar locations and highways. Then he understood, but he felt I should have told him that’s the reason I haven’t been up on my own. Gee, son, thanks for giving me a break! Isn’t it strange that so much more is expected of us who have Panic/Anxiety Disorder than is expected from those who don’t? I just don’t get it. I asked him why he wasn’t upset over his brother’s and sister not coming up any more often than I do or why he’s upset at me when he doesn’t come down here very often either? His answer? Well, he was so busy and he knew they were too, but I promised to try to come up and I never did. Huh?? That is what he was so upset about? Puleeze, my head hurts from banging it against a brick wall. Where’s the aspirin? Is it just me or what? Am I the one who doesn’t get it? Why am I being picked on <whine? The fact that Joe and I are into our late 60’s and beginning to suffer from driving at night because of the lights, well, where there are lights….even the Blue Rt. doesn’t have street lights until you get close to where we exit – doesn’t seem to cut us a break. Sigh…. If anyone has an answer or can explain this to me so I can understand it, I’d appreciate hearing it. Personally, I am getting so sick and tired of trying to explain, make up for, pretend I’m fine when I’m not, do this and do that so no one gets their feelings hurt. I HAVE DEPRESSION AND PANIC DISORDER…..HELLO!!!! I’m much better than I was, but will never be free, but why do I have to keep proving it to other people’s expectations of what "better" is? I don’t and I also don’t give a damn anymore. ~Rita :-(
I think you handled this very well, Rita, and expressed what you felt. It is hurtful when others try to demand things of us beyond what we choose to do while walking the fine line of fighting our anxiety. He was probably thinking up sorts of "reasons" why you are not on his doorstep every day, but now that you made it clear what was going on, he seems to have understood. Hopefully, this will all clear up quickly. — Take care, Liz To everything there is a season …and to every season, a special beauty.
Response:
Hi everyone….I’ve been off more than on for the past month or so, but I’m finally getting caught up with things. Shopping done, (but still not wrapped, Robin), house decorated, caught up on most of the cleaning, etc. Now down to my real issue. I received a call from one of my married sons Saturday telling me that he had to tell me something that he’s been carrying around for five years. Immediate groan from me – oh no, here it comes! I knew it wasn’t going to be anything good. Sure enough, I was right. It seems he’s been upset for five years because I haven’t been up to his house often enough. Excuse me, son? says I. For over three of those years I was lucky to get to the grocery store. OK, he says, it’s only been the last year. First let me explain something to the group….this son decided to live over an hour away from the rest of the family, then moved even further away last year, most of the traveling is on 95 and the Blue Rt., then after you get off them with your heart in your mouth, you have to drive down rural winding, hilly, two way little roads with no street lights to get to his house. I would say that takes about another half hour until you reach his house, that is if you were able to read the little antique street signs in the dark so you would know where to turn left or right. The fact that most of the signs have trees draped over them doesn’t help. Back to me not going there often enough. You notice I keep saying ME, not his brothers or sister, not his father, but me. None of them have gone up to see him very often either, but for some reason I am the one who’s not coming has bothered him the most. And let me not forget that he and his wife (who doesn’t work) come down here about as often as the rest go up there….another words, if it weren’t because of a special occasion either down here or up there, we would hardly see each other. I won’t even get into the fact that we’re his parents and grandparents to his little ones and when Joe and I were younger it was our duty to get our kids to see their grandparents, not the other way around. But I digress….to make a long story short, the reason he’s upset is because now that I’m feeling pretty much better again, they have heard me say that I’ve been going to the malls, shopping, here and there and that upset them. Why? Because if I could go to those places why couldn’t I try to come up their house? <I have been to their home every there was a party, special occasion, etc But he was "upset" that I haven’t come up on my own!! It was only when I explained that the malls, etc., that I went to were within my territory and places where I was familiar with the surrounding roads that he finally started to "get it." I told him it had nothing to do with desire, but disability on my part ( and yes, I admit, not much guts) to face unfamiliar locations and highways. Then he understood, but he felt I should have told him that’s the reason I haven’t been up on my own. Gee, son, thanks for giving me a break! Isn’t it strange that so much more is expected of us who have Panic/Anxiety Disorder than is expected from those who don’t? I just don’t get it. I asked him why he wasn’t upset over his brother’s and sister not coming up any more often than I do or why he’s upset at me when he doesn’t come down here very often either? His answer? Well, he was so busy and he knew they were too, but I promised to try to come up and I never did. Huh?? That is what he was so upset about? Puleeze, my head hurts from banging it against a brick wall. Where’s the aspirin? Is it just me or what? Am I the one who doesn’t get it? Why am I being picked on <whine? The fact that Joe and I are into our late 60’s and beginning to suffer from driving at night because of the lights, well, where there are lights….even the Blue Rt. doesn’t have street lights until you get close to where we exit – doesn’t seem to cut us a break. Sigh…. If anyone has an answer or can explain this to me so I can understand it, I’d appreciate hearing it. Personally, I am getting so sick and tired of trying to explain, make up for, pretend I’m fine when I’m not, do this and do that so no one gets their feelings hurt. I HAVE DEPRESSION AND PANIC DISORDER…..HELLO!!!! I’m much better than I was, but will never be free, but why do I have to keep proving it to other people’s expectations of what "better" is? I don’t and I also don’t give a damn anymore. ~Rita :-(
