stepdad needs advice
Question:
Hello all, I recently became a stepdad to a wonderful 8 year old girl (no biological children of my own). She really is a great kid, but I’m having some problems with her and the way my wife (BM) treats the situation. The whole problem for me comes down to her laziness. She leaves her dishes, clothes, school bag, whatever she’s playing with, etc. wherever she’s feels like it, and she doesn’t pick it up unless you ask her 3 or 4 times (even though we’ve told her repeatedly she is not supposed to leave her things around when she’s done). She also has a list of chores to do every day. Some days she does really well and gets them all done (and I make sure to let her know that she did a good job), but usually she doesn’t. This list is not outrageous by any means. If she would quit doddling and just do the items on the list, she could easily be done in 15-20 minutes. My wife gets angry at me because I start nagging at SD to pick up after herself, do her chores, etc. She’s probably right, I nag too much. However, I’ve tried in vain to correct the situation. I’ve talked with BM, letting her know what I think needs to be done. I am of the opinion that if we ask something of SD and she doesn’t do it, then she will lose a privilege. This teaches her responsibility, i.e. if she doesn’t do something, there is a consequence. For instance, if she doesn’t do her chores and then asks to go swimming, I would tell her that she didn’t do her chores, thus she may not go swimming. For some reason, every time something like this comes about, BM thinks I am being "hard" on SD, nor will she take this approach with SD. She agrees that SD needs to learn responsibility, but then does nothing about it. She also tells me she doesn’t think you can discipline a child until you love the child. She may be right, but I don’t think this is discipline per se. To me, I am teaching her responsibility. I leave the discipline up to BM. All of this is getting to the point where I am starting to resent BD. I know it is not her fault, she’s just a kid, but I feel like I am expected to behave like a parent (pick SD up at certain times, cook for her, buy her things, etc.) but I’m not really supposed to parent SD. I don’t even really want to be around SD beecause I feel like I have no say it what goes on in my own home. How am I supposed to love a child that I have no say in how she is raised? Am I out of line? I’ve got other issues as well, but I’ve rambled on enough. I really want things to get better, but I don’t know what I am supposed to do. If any of you kind folks could give me some guidance, I sure would appreciate it. Frank
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Vicki Robinson wrote: > In a previous article, we…@hundredakerwood.freeserve.co.uk (Wendy) said: > <>Perhaps it’s because she’s been a single parent for > <>8 years, and now is having difficulty letting some of the parenting be done > <>by me? > < > <Definitely. It’s too early. Stop it now. Agree with your wife that she’ll > <be the disciplinarian, but be willing to talk about things with her and be > <there to support her in the background, and work on developing a positive > <and hopefully loving relationship with your SD first. 
> < > I agree with everything Wendy’s said. Pay attention, she’s spot on! > I just wanted to add a little side note here. Realize that it may > take *years* for your family to arrange itself into the kind of family > you all want. Not weeks or months; *years*. This isn’t necessarily > anything you can alter, but you can enjoy the process. Don’t throw > away what’s going on around you while you impatiently wait for things > to go right. This is a creative process, don’t focus so much on the > outcome as you do on the structure you all create together to get to > that outcome.
I agree. We’ve been working on blending our family since August 1999. It’s more blended now than it was then (you’d think these kids had *always* been together) but there are still difficulties. But then, even if we weren’t a blended family, there would still be parent-child conflicts. ’Tis the nature of the beast. — Kitten = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = I’m a bitch, I’m a lover; I’m a child, I’m a mother I’m a sinner, I’m a saint; I do not feel ashamed I’m your hell, I’m you dream; I’m nothing in between You know you wouldn’t want it any other way – – - Meredith Brooks
Response:
In a previous article, we…@hundredakerwood.freeserve.co.uk (Wendy) said: <>Perhaps it’s because she’s been a single parent for <>8 years, and now is having difficulty letting some of the parenting be done <>by me? < <Definitely. It’s too early. Stop it now. Agree with your wife that she’ll <be the disciplinarian, but be willing to talk about things with her and be <there to support her in the background, and work on developing a positive <and hopefully loving relationship with your SD first. < I agree with everything Wendy’s said. Pay attention, she’s spot on! I just wanted to add a little side note here. Realize that it may take *years* for your family to arrange itself into the kind of family you all want. Not weeks or months; *years*. This isn’t necessarily anything you can alter, but you can enjoy the process. Don’t throw away what’s going on around you while you impatiently wait for things to go right. This is a creative process, don’t focus so much on the outcome as you do on the structure you all create together to get to that outcome. Vicki — Family and Divorce Mediation Resources http://xcski.com/~mediator/
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Wendy wrote: > In article <Xns9073A505F41CCfriley9home…@24.1.240.74>, > Frank Riley <maske…@hotmail.com> wrote: <snipped> > >I hadn’t even thought of it that way. So far I have been too much of an > >authority figure, and my wife gets angry at me for it. As I said before, > >I’ve tried to talk to my wife about how to make things better, but she > >doesn’t seem to listen. Perhaps it’s because she’s been a single parent for > >8 years, and now is having difficulty letting some of the parenting be done > >by me? > Definitely. It’s too early. Stop it now. Agree with your wife that she’ll > be the disciplinarian, but be willing to talk about things with her and be > there to support her in the background, and work on developing a positive > and hopefully loving relationship with your SD first.
Believe it or not, we’re developing this in our house, not only WRT YS (from my previous marriage), but also with OS and YD (from DH’s previous marriage). I usually (not always) deal with kids being emotional, kids being bratty, etc better than DH does. So if he’s about to lose it, a lot of times he’ll just leave it up to me to deal with them. Works for me. And when I’m not dealing well with them (hey, nobody’s perfect!), he’s usually there with a nice big hug. We’ve found that finding ways to discuss things where the kids aren’t feeling defensive helps immensely. AAMOF, discussing things with each other in a manner where neither of us becomes defensive helps a lot, too. — Kitten = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = I’m a bitch, I’m a lover; I’m a child, I’m a mother I’m a sinner, I’m a saint; I do not feel ashamed I’m your hell, I’m you dream; I’m nothing in between You know you wouldn’t want it any other way – – - Meredith Brooks
Response:
In article <Xns9073A505F41CCfriley9home…@24.1.240.74>, Frank Riley <maske…@hotmail.com> wrote: >I agree completely, but how do I explain this to my wife? I’ve talked with >her a couple times about this, and she acts like I’m being hard on SD by >taking away a privilege. How do I make her realize I’m not doing it to "get >back" at SD, and I’m not doing it out of anger. I’m simply laying out the >ground rules, i.e. if you do your chores, you’re more than welcome to go >have fun. To be honest, I don’t feel bad if she loses a privilege. Don’t >get me wrong, I don’t like taking away SD’s privileges, but she knows the >rules and is perfectly capable of understanding that it was because she >didn’t do her chores that she lost the privilege. This seems like common >sense to me, but my wife just doesn’t get it. Could it be that she thinks I >am trying to "take over" parenting of SD?
How long have you been married? How long before you married were you involved with your wife and SD? Did you talk about how you were going to deal with these things beforehand? How they felt? How you felt? What some of the potential issues might be? How you could avoid them? Think about it, not only are you being critical of her daughter, but you are criticising your wife’s parenting. Parents are always protective of their children and defensive about their parenting, because after all you learn the hard way and it’s something you want to be good at and feel guilty because no one is ever perfect. Someone coming along trying to change things out of hand is probably going to cause hackles to rise, unless it’s planned careful with room for talking and adjusting things gradually. My partner, my girls and I have sat down and talked about what the likely changes are going to be. We’ve done it on more than one occasion. We don’t even know for certain when he’ll be moving in. I think "family" meetings are a good idea, but if they’re being initiated by you, then perhaps the perception is that it’s you trying to force change through, instead of it being something which is collaborative. Our conversations have gone along the lines of talking about what changes might occur and what we wouldn’t want to happen. It helps to know how the children feel. These conversations have led to the children themselves suggesting a list of assigned chores. The thing is they feel they under- stand how we feel about things and that they’ve had a chance to express their feelings too. You mentioned doing lots of parent type things, but what kind of fun things are you doing to work on being a friendly adult she can turn to, rather than a disciplinarian? Maybe if you start by working on that side of things they’ll listen more and care that you’re feeling frustrated about the mess. >And therein lies the problem. I personally could care less if she keeps her >room clean. It’s her space and she lives in it, she can keep it messy if >she wants (just don’t expect me to come in and get dirty clothes, etc). >It’s in the kitchen, living room, bathroom, etc. that I care about. We all >share this space and thus have a duty to keep it relatively neat and clean. >SD doesn’t care at all if she leaves her stuff laying around. She knows BM >will eventually pick up for her and maybe raise her voice at her every once >in a while so why should she clean up after herself?
Actually, very few children do. As my 15 year old said on my mother’s day card last week, "it’s my job", and I guess it’s my job as her mum to nag. >I understand what you’re saying about not imposing my rules. I’ve told my >wife I want to have a group talk with SD and tell her what we expect of her
It may be just a turn of phrase, but is there any chance that you express it this way in real life? I ask, because you are saying "I want" and "what we expect of her", and not let’s just have a frank honest and caring discussion about how to live happily together. Maybe you could start a conversation after supper one night with the two of them? What about starting with something like "The most important thing to me is that we all live happily together. Could we talk about how you feel things are going and if I could do anything differently to make things better?" Take the onus off the SD, and accept that there are likely to be issues she has with you and the way you do things. You have to be prepared to do it with the full intention of listening and trying to change, but if they can see and hear your sincerity about doing so, then maybe they’ll also hear and see your sincerity about the things which trouble you. For example, you might say "I don’t want to be a nag, or a disciplinarian and I expect you don’t want me to be either. At the same time, I get ratty when there’s a mess about. Has anyone got any ideas for how we can sort this?" >Good point. We’ve taken the positive approach with SD in this sense, but of >course she waits until the end of the day and then throws a fit because she >doesn’t have enough time to do her chores (when in fact shes’s had all day >to get them done).
A few gentle reminders of what has to be done before the end of the day won’t go amiss, but I’d let your wife do it until things are on a better footing. >I hadn’t even thought of it that way. So far I have been too much of an >authority figure, and my wife gets angry at me for it. As I said before, >I’ve tried to talk to my wife about how to make things better, but she >doesn’t seem to listen. Perhaps it’s because she’s been a single parent for >8 years, and now is having difficulty letting some of the parenting be done >by me?
Definitely. It’s too early. Stop it now. Agree with your wife that she’ll be the disciplinarian, but be willing to talk about things with her and be there to support her in the background, and work on developing a positive and hopefully loving relationship with your SD first. >I agree I need to talk with my wife, but most of the time I feel like I’m >talking to a brick wall. She’s a very defensive person, so any little slip >up in words on my part and everything is wasted. Any tips on getting her to >realize I’m trying to make things better for everyone?
Yes, say you are going to step back and just be there to listen and help when she asks. You may well find she’ll ask more and more as time goes on. My partner is really good at this. Part of it is that he doesn’t want to step on anyone’s toes. He listens when I talk about things, and then makes suggestions, but lets me get on with trying new approaches. The last thing we want is to start the relationship with resentment that here is yet another adult trying to impose rules on them, just as we don’t want them to feel that he is in any way a threat to their biological father. >I appreciate your comments, Wendy. I’m going to have a talk with my wife >tonight.
Hope it went well. Go gently Wendy
Response:
Hi Frank, I’m kind of going out on the limb here, as a SM who didn’t get the hang of it when the SKs were still young. Picture introducing the concept of responsibility to your SD. SD meet responsibility, responsibility meet SD. It seems to me the issues of *enforcing* responsibility just have to tag along after *introducing* responsibility. And that as young as your SD is, you and her mother are still in the position of introducing life concepts. Personally, I wish I had spent more time exploring the concepts with a 10 yo and less times enforcing (ok, attempting to) them. I still wish my husband had let them be more *self-enforcing*. That is he held the hand of consequence back and the kid is still pretty shocked when she meets the results of her own actions. Any understanding of chores that this child has are well, less than 10 years old. And taught to a child. An example of a natural consequence: SD doesn’t put clothes in hamper. Exciting day, plans to wear favorite outfit. "Mom, you _have_ to find it!" Outfit found dirty. Next time clean up urged with words, "Remember how you couldn’t wear your outfit….." Meanwhile don’t fall to far into, the you are not a real parent trap. Come see us more. BarbE – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Frank Riley wrote: > Hello all, > I recently became a stepdad to a wonderful 8 year old girl (no biological > children of my own). She really is a great kid, but I’m having some problems > with her and the way my wife (BM) treats the situation. The whole problem > for me comes down to her laziness. She leaves her dishes, clothes, school > bag, whatever she’s playing with, etc. wherever she’s feels like it, and she > doesn’t pick it up unless you ask her 3 or 4 times (even though we’ve told > her repeatedly she is not supposed to leave her things around when she’s > done). She also has a list of chores to do every day. Some days she does > really well and gets them all done (and I make sure to let her know that she > did a good job), but usually she doesn’t. This list is not outrageous by any > means. If she would quit doddling and just do the items on the list, she > could easily be done in 15-20 minutes. > My wife gets angry at me because I start nagging at SD to pick up after > herself, do her chores, etc. She’s probably right, I nag too much. However, > I’ve tried in vain to correct the situation. I’ve talked with BM, letting > her know what I think needs to be done. I am of the opinion that if we ask > something of SD and she doesn’t do it, then she will lose a privilege. This > teaches her responsibility, i.e. if she doesn’t do something, there is a > consequence. For instance, if she doesn’t do her chores and then asks to go > swimming, I would tell her that she didn’t do her chores, thus she may not > go swimming. > For some reason, every time something like this comes about, BM thinks I am > being "hard" on SD, nor will she take this approach with SD. She agrees that > SD needs to learn responsibility, but then does nothing about it. She also > tells me she doesn’t think you can discipline a child until you love the > child. She may be right, but I don’t think this is discipline per se. To me, > I am teaching her responsibility. I leave the discipline up to BM. > All of this is getting to the point where I am starting to resent BD. I know > it is not her fault, she’s just a kid, but I feel like I am expected to > behave like a parent (pick SD up at certain times, cook for her, buy her > things, etc.) but I’m not really supposed to parent SD. I don’t even really > want to be around SD beecause I feel like I have no say it what goes on in > my own home. How am I supposed to love a child that I have no say in how she > is raised? Am I out of line? > I’ve got other issues as well, but I’ve rambled on enough. I really want > things to get better, but I don’t know what I am supposed to do. If any of > you kind folks could give me some guidance, I sure would appreciate it. > Frank
Response:
Welcome, Frank. I can’t give the kind of advice many in here can. I can relate to not knowing how to talk with your spouse at times. I communicate much better in writing because I’m able to go back and reword things. Would it help to write her a letter or an email? Could you print out your original post & the replies and show them to her with a note explaining that you are trying every which way to help create a family unit but not step on her toes? There is also counseling. Based on what you’ve said, it might not be a bad idea to have someone help y’all sort through your parenting ideas. Please keep us posted and feel free to drop in any time. Anne H. "To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world."
Response:
We had the same problem. Our family counsellor suggested the following. Agree with you wife about an allotted amount of TV, video game, insert other things kid likes to do per day that they great for free regardless of chores. For us it was 30 mins TV and 30 mins video game time after homework. Make a chore chart (i use word to make mine with tables) and allow your SD to go out with u to the store to get stickers. Agree on a sticker point value that will earn her more time for example with us 10 points gets them an extra half hour of tv or video game time. you could really add any incentive here…going to the dollar store for an item, going out for icecream, half an hour of alone time with mom etc. Give bonus stickers for things like doing chores with out being asked or for pitching in on a job that isn’t normally hers. We thought it would never work the stepkids are 12 and 14 years. However it has worked great and we no longer chase them to do chores. Frank Riley <maske…@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:tc4q3nv3hft7a@corp.supernews.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hello all, > I recently became a stepdad to a wonderful 8 year old girl (no biological > children of my own). She really is a great kid, but I’m having some problems > with her and the way my wife (BM) treats the situation. The whole problem > for me comes down to her laziness. She leaves her dishes, clothes, school > bag, whatever she’s playing with, etc. wherever she’s feels like it, and she > doesn’t pick it up unless you ask her 3 or 4 times (even though we’ve told > her repeatedly she is not supposed to leave her things around when she’s > done). She also has a list of chores to do every day. Some days she does > really well and gets them all done (and I make sure to let her know that she > did a good job), but usually she doesn’t. This list is not outrageous by any > means. If she would quit doddling and just do the items on the list, she > could easily be done in 15-20 minutes. > My wife gets angry at me because I start nagging at SD to pick up after > herself, do her chores, etc. She’s probably right, I nag too much. However, > I’ve tried in vain to correct the situation. I’ve talked with BM, letting > her know what I think needs to be done. I am of the opinion that if we ask > something of SD and she doesn’t do it, then she will lose a privilege. This > teaches her responsibility, i.e. if she doesn’t do something, there is a > consequence. For instance, if she doesn’t do her chores and then asks to go > swimming, I would tell her that she didn’t do her chores, thus she may not > go swimming. > For some reason, every time something like this comes about, BM thinks I am > being "hard" on SD, nor will she take this approach with SD. She agrees that > SD needs to learn responsibility, but then does nothing about it. She also > tells me she doesn’t think you can discipline a child until you love the > child. She may be right, but I don’t think this is discipline per se. To me, > I am teaching her responsibility. I leave the discipline up to BM. > All of this is getting to the point where I am starting to resent BD. I know > it is not her fault, she’s just a kid, but I feel like I am expected to > behave like a parent (pick SD up at certain times, cook for her, buy her > things, etc.) but I’m not really supposed to parent SD. I don’t even really > want to be around SD beecause I feel like I have no say it what goes on in > my own home. How am I supposed to love a child that I have no say in how she > is raised? Am I out of line? > I’ve got other issues as well, but I’ve rambled on enough. I really want > things to get better, but I don’t know what I am supposed to do. If any of > you kind folks could give me some guidance, I sure would appreciate it. > Frank
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Response:
in article Xns9073A505F41CCfriley9home…@24.1.240.74, Frank Riley at maske…@hotmail.com wrote on 3/29/01 18:06: > And therein lies the problem. I personally could care less if she keeps her > room clean. It’s her space and she lives in it, she can keep it messy if > she wants (just don’t expect me to come in and get dirty clothes, etc). > It’s in the kitchen, living room, bathroom, etc. that I care about. We all > share this space and thus have a duty to keep it relatively neat and clean. > SD doesn’t care at all if she leaves her stuff laying around. She knows BM > will eventually pick up for her and maybe raise her voice at her every once > in a while so why should she clean up after herself?
Oh, oh! <waving hand frantically> This isn’t even just a kid thing! I had a roommate in university who was like this! Tell your SD that if she leaves her stuff lying around in the common areas that after she goes to bed, you’re going to do a walkaround with a big box. Anything lying around goes in the box. You take no responsibility for anything once it’s in the box. Socks, candy wrappers, homework, dirty dishes… load it all into that box. She’ll either get hip, or she’ll spend a lot of time rummaging through the box. Either way, you’ll get a tidier living space. Sian (who once took all the dirty dishes that same roommate left in the kitchen and dumped them into the center of her unmade bed.)
Response:
[posted and mailed] we…@hundredakerwood.freeserve.co.uk (Wendy) wrote in <9a00ja$2k…@warwick.hundredakerwood.freeserve.co.uk>: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->In article <tc4q3nv3hf…@corp.supernews.com>, >Frank Riley <maske…@hotmail.com> wrote: >>Hello all, >>I recently became a stepdad to a wonderful 8 year old girl (no >>biological children of my own). She really is a great kid, but I’m >>having some problems with her and the way my wife (BM) treats the >>situation. The whole problem for me comes down to her laziness. She >>leaves her dishes, clothes, school bag, whatever she’s playing with, >>etc. wherever she’s feels like it, and she doesn’t pick it up unless >>you ask her 3 or 4 times (even though we’ve told her repeatedly she is >>not supposed to leave her things around when she’s done). She also has >>a list of chores to do every day. Some days she does really well and >>gets them all done (and I make sure to let her know that she did a good >>job), but usually she doesn’t. This list is not outrageous by any >>means. If she would quit doddling and just do the items on the list, >>she could easily be done in 15-20 minutes. >Welcome Frank. I think your wife is right, you need to chill out a >little. Certainly if a child doesn’t do what is expected of them then >there should be loss of privilege, but hounding a child for every minute >infraction isn’t going to achieve anything except animosity and >conflict.
I agree completely, but how do I explain this to my wife? I’ve talked with her a couple times about this, and she acts like I’m being hard on SD by taking away a privilege. How do I make her realize I’m not doing it to "get back" at SD, and I’m not doing it out of anger. I’m simply laying out the ground rules, i.e. if you do your chores, you’re more than welcome to go have fun. To be honest, I don’t feel bad if she loses a privilege. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like taking away SD’s privileges, but she knows the rules and is perfectly capable of understanding that it was because she didn’t do her chores that she lost the privilege. This seems like common sense to me, but my wife just doesn’t get it. Could it be that she thinks I am trying to "take over" parenting of SD? >I’m a bit of a perfectionist. (Please, no one hold it against me. [1] >Over the years, I’ve had to learn that my standards aren’t those of >everyone else. A home has to be a place that everyone feels comfortable >in. Everyone has a personality and that has a bearing on such things. >Now there should be a basic level so that no one person is imposing >their dischord and making others uncomfortable, but equally it’s very >easy to pass obsessive compulsive behaviours onto children without >giving them a choice.
And therein lies the problem. I personally could care less if she keeps her room clean. It’s her space and she lives in it, she can keep it messy if she wants (just don’t expect me to come in and get dirty clothes, etc). It’s in the kitchen, living room, bathroom, etc. that I care about. We all share this space and thus have a duty to keep it relatively neat and clean. SD doesn’t care at all if she leaves her stuff laying around. She knows BM will eventually pick up for her and maybe raise her voice at her every once in a while so why should she clean up after herself? >Teaching children organisation and self discipline is easiest when they >are very young compared with trying to overcome bad habits later. It >can be done, but you need to start gradually and try and make it a >rewarding experience. My girls would sooner scrub the kitchen floor, or >cook supper, or wash dishes than clean their own room. It’s easiest if >you don’t impose *your* rules, but agree tasks that they’re prepared to >do, even allow them to change their minds once they find that it’s not >as easy or fun as it looks.
I understand what you’re saying about not imposing my rules. I’ve told my wife I want to have a group talk with SD and tell her what we expect of her (and SD can give us feedback as well). This way I know and SD knows what is expected. Nagging then becomes a non-issue since I don’t have to ask SD to do her chores… I know SD knows she is supposed to do them. My wife agrees with me on this but then doesn’t do anything after we talk about it and we fall back into the same old cycle. I get the feeling I would be over stepping my bounds if I were to bring a meeting together and start talking about it. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Another way is to give them a sense of pride in their room so they want >to keep it clean. I’ve just been redecorating my daughter’s rooms to >their taste, but working with them to try and help them organise things >in a sensible fashion, so they feel a pride in it and want it to be a >nice place for them to be in. >>My wife gets angry at me because I start nagging at SD to pick up after >>herself, do her chores, etc. She’s probably right, I nag too much. >>However, I’ve tried in vain to correct the situation. I’ve talked with >>BM, letting her know what I think needs to be done. I am of the opinion >>that if we ask something of SD and she doesn’t do it, then she will >>lose a privilege. This teaches her responsibility, i.e. if she doesn’t >>do something, there is a consequence. For instance, if she doesn’t do >>her chores and then asks to go swimming, I would tell her that she >>didn’t do her chores, thus she may not go swimming. >As others have said, you and your wife need to be united in what you >expect. Communicating is about more than saying what you think, but >listening to what your wife and her daughter and finding a way forward >which suits all of you. >For example, there’s a difference between saying you didn’t do your >chores, so no swimming and saying you can go swimming as soon as you’ve >finished your chores. One is negative, the other positive.
Good point. We’ve taken the positive approach with SD in this sense, but of course she waits until the end of the day and then throws a fit because she doesn’t have enough time to do her chores (when in fact shes’s had all day to get them done). >>SD needs to learn responsibility, but then does nothing about it. She >>also tells me she doesn’t think you can discipline a child until you >>love the child. She may be right, but I don’t think this is discipline >>per se. To me, I am teaching her responsibility. I leave the discipline >>up to BM. >If you are taking away privileges, it’s definitely discipline. It’s a >means of imposing your expectations of behaviour. You don’t have to >love a child to discipline them, teachers at schools discipline children >for infractions of rules for example, but it certainly helps as you are >building a relation- ship to not suddenly be an authority imposed >without there being a sense of compassion and consideration.
I hadn’t even thought of it that way. So far I have been too much of an authority figure, and my wife gets angry at me for it. As I said before, I’ve tried to talk to my wife about how to make things better, but she doesn’t seem to listen. Perhaps it’s because she’s been a single parent for 8 years, and now is having difficulty letting some of the parenting be done by me? >>All of this is getting to the point where I am starting to resent BD. I >>know it is not her fault, she’s just a kid, but I feel like I am >>expected to behave like a parent (pick SD up at certain times, cook for >>her, buy her things, etc.) but I’m not really supposed to parent SD. I >>don’t even really want to be around SD beecause I feel like I have no >>say it what goes on in my own home. How am I supposed to love a child >>that I have no say in how she is raised? Am I out of line? >But you do, in that you and your wife can sit and talk through >viewpoints and ideas for approaching things, and you can be the support >behind your wife as she tries these with her daughter. Gradually you >may find that things evolve so that you and your wife are comfortable >and in accord on how you’d approach things and perhaps then there’ll be >a transition.
I agree I need to talk with my wife, but most of the time I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. She’s a very defensive person, so any little slip up in words on my part and everything is wasted. Any tips on getting her to realize I’m trying to make things better for everyone? >>I’ve got other issues as well, but I’ve rambled on enough. I really >>want things to get better, but I don’t know what I am supposed to do. >>If any of you kind folks could give me some guidance, I sure would >>appreciate it. >One other approach I failed to mention above is that sometimes it helps >if everyone is working at the same time. You might try setting aside a >half hour before supper to tidy up, or an half hour before bedtime. >If the week is too busy, then Saturday morning is when my Mum insisted >we all did something, what depending upon age and ability. >Hope you find a positive way forward.
I appreciate your comments, Wendy. I’m going to have a talk with my wife tonight. Frank
Response:
In article <tc4q3nv3hf…@corp.supernews.com>, Frank Riley <maske…@hotmail.com> wrote: >Hello all, >I recently became a stepdad to a wonderful 8 year old girl (no biological >children of my own). She really is a great kid, but I’m having some problems >with her and the way my wife (BM) treats the situation. The whole problem >for me comes down to her laziness. She leaves her dishes, clothes, school >bag, whatever she’s playing with, etc. wherever she’s feels like it, and she >doesn’t pick it up unless you ask her 3 or 4 times (even though we’ve told >her repeatedly she is not supposed to leave her things around when she’s >done). She also has a list of chores to do every day. Some days she does >really well and gets them all done (and I make sure to let her know that she >did a good job), but usually she doesn’t. This list is not outrageous by any >means. If she would quit doddling and just do the items on the list, she >could easily be done in 15-20 minutes.
Welcome Frank. I think your wife is right, you need to chill out a little. Certainly if a child doesn’t do what is expected of them then there should be loss of privilege, but hounding a child for every minute infraction isn’t going to achieve anything except animosity and conflict. I’m a bit of a perfectionist. (Please, no one hold it against me. [1] Over the years, I’ve had to learn that my standards aren’t those of everyone else. A home has to be a place that everyone feels comfortable in. Everyone has a personality and that has a bearing on such things. Now there should be a basic level so that no one person is imposing their dischord and making others uncomfortable, but equally it’s very easy to pass obsessive compulsive behaviours onto children without giving them a choice. Teaching children organisation and self discipline is easiest when they are very young compared with trying to overcome bad habits later. It can be done, but you need to start gradually and try and make it a rewarding experience. My girls would sooner scrub the kitchen floor, or cook supper, or wash dishes than clean their own room. It’s easiest if you don’t impose *your* rules, but agree tasks that they’re prepared to do, even allow them to change their minds once they find that it’s not as easy or fun as it looks. Another way is to give them a sense of pride in their room so they want to keep it clean. I’ve just been redecorating my daughter’s rooms to their taste, but working with them to try and help them organise things in a sensible fashion, so they feel a pride in it and want it to be a nice place for them to be in. >My wife gets angry at me because I start nagging at SD to pick up after >herself, do her chores, etc. She’s probably right, I nag too much. However, >I’ve tried in vain to correct the situation. I’ve talked with BM, letting >her know what I think needs to be done. I am of the opinion that if we ask >something of SD and she doesn’t do it, then she will lose a privilege. This >teaches her responsibility, i.e. if she doesn’t do something, there is a >consequence. For instance, if she doesn’t do her chores and then asks to go >swimming, I would tell her that she didn’t do her chores, thus she may not >go swimming.
As others have said, you and your wife need to be united in what you expect. Communicating is about more than saying what you think, but listening to what your wife and her daughter and finding a way forward which suits all of you. For example, there’s a difference between saying you didn’t do your chores, so no swimming and saying you can go swimming as soon as you’ve finished your chores. One is negative, the other positive. >SD needs to learn responsibility, but then does nothing about it. She also >tells me she doesn’t think you can discipline a child until you love the >child. She may be right, but I don’t think this is discipline per se. To me, >I am teaching her responsibility. I leave the discipline up to BM.
If you are taking away privileges, it’s definitely discipline. It’s a means of imposing your expectations of behaviour. You don’t have to love a child to discipline them, teachers at schools discipline children for infractions of rules for example, but it certainly helps as you are building a relation- ship to not suddenly be an authority imposed without there being a sense of compassion and consideration. >All of this is getting to the point where I am starting to resent BD. I know >it is not her fault, she’s just a kid, but I feel like I am expected to >behave like a parent (pick SD up at certain times, cook for her, buy her >things, etc.) but I’m not really supposed to parent SD. I don’t even really >want to be around SD beecause I feel like I have no say it what goes on in >my own home. How am I supposed to love a child that I have no say in how she >is raised? Am I out of line?
But you do, in that you and your wife can sit and talk through viewpoints and ideas for approaching things, and you can be the support behind your wife as she tries these with her daughter. Gradually you may find that things evolve so that you and your wife are comfortable and in accord on how you’d approach things and perhaps then there’ll be a transition. >I’ve got other issues as well, but I’ve rambled on enough. I really want >things to get better, but I don’t know what I am supposed to do. If any of >you kind folks could give me some guidance, I sure would appreciate it.
One other approach I failed to mention above is that sometimes it helps if everyone is working at the same time. You might try setting aside a half hour before supper to tidy up, or an half hour before bedtime. If the week is too busy, then Saturday morning is when my Mum insisted we all did something, what depending upon age and ability. Hope you find a positive way forward. Wendy PS The above confession of perfectionist tendencies is in no way an indication that this is an immaculate home (okay Vicki 
. These days it’s more fits and starts, IOW once I start I’ll become compulsive, but my standards have adjusted with working, having children and being a single parent. At the moment, I’m in a bit of a frenzy, but it’s only because my Mum is coming to visit soon. *giggle*
Response:
Are you sure your not resenting your wife, and then taking it out on SD? Have you told your wife about this resentment? Candice "Frank Riley" <maske…@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:tc4q3nv3hft7a@corp.supernews.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hello all, > I recently became a stepdad to a wonderful 8 year old girl (no biological > children of my own). She really is a great kid, but I’m having some problems > with her and the way my wife (BM) treats the situation. The whole problem > for me comes down to her laziness. She leaves her dishes, clothes, school > bag, whatever she’s playing with, etc. wherever she’s feels like it, and she > doesn’t pick it up unless you ask her 3 or 4 times (even though we’ve told > her repeatedly she is not supposed to leave her things around when she’s > done). She also has a list of chores to do every day. Some days she does > really well and gets them all done (and I make sure to let her know that she > did a good job), but usually she doesn’t. This list is not outrageous by any > means. If she would quit doddling and just do the items on the list, she > could easily be done in 15-20 minutes. > My wife gets angry at me because I start nagging at SD to pick up after > herself, do her chores, etc. She’s probably right, I nag too much. However, > I’ve tried in vain to correct the situation. I’ve talked with BM, letting > her know what I think needs to be done. I am of the opinion that if we ask > something of SD and she doesn’t do it, then she will lose a privilege. This > teaches her responsibility, i.e. if she doesn’t do something, there is a > consequence. For instance, if she doesn’t do her chores and then asks to go > swimming, I would tell her that she didn’t do her chores, thus she may not > go swimming. > For some reason, every time something like this comes about, BM thinks I am > being "hard" on SD, nor will she take this approach with SD. She agrees that > SD needs to learn responsibility, but then does nothing about it. She also > tells me she doesn’t think you can discipline a child until you love the > child. She may be right, but I don’t think this is discipline per se. To me, > I am teaching her responsibility. I leave the discipline up to BM. > All of this is getting to the point where I am starting to resent BD. I know > it is not her fault, she’s just a kid, but I feel like I am expected to > behave like a parent (pick SD up at certain times, cook for her, buy her > things, etc.) but I’m not really supposed to parent SD. I don’t even really > want to be around SD beecause I feel like I have no say it what goes on in > my own home. How am I supposed to love a child that I have no say in how she > is raised? Am I out of line? > I’ve got other issues as well, but I’ve rambled on enough. I really want > things to get better, but I don’t know what I am supposed to do. If any of > you kind folks could give me some guidance, I sure would appreciate it. > Frank
Response:
in article tc4q3nv3hf…@corp.supernews.com, Frank Riley at maske…@hotmail.com wrote on 3/28/01 17:41: Okay, advice I’m bad at. Book recommendations, on the other hand, I’m good at. Try a read through of Barbara Coloroso’s "Kids are Worth It". It is about teaching a child discipline without resorting to punishment. You might find some fresh approaches there. > All of this is getting to the point where I am starting to resent BD. I know > it is not her fault, she’s just a kid, but I feel like I am expected to > behave like a parent (pick SD up at certain times, cook for her, buy her > things, etc.) but I’m not really supposed to parent SD. I don’t even really > want to be around SD beecause I feel like I have no say it what goes on in > my own home. How am I supposed to love a child that I have no say in how she > is raised? Am I out of line?
No. But this issue is not about your SD. It is about your wife. The two of you need to sit down and clarify your expectations of the way your household should run. Are you custodial? Does she see her other bioparent? What is the relationship between the households like? If you really feel like you have no say in anything that has to do with your SD, then pull back and don’t have anything to do with the day to day parenting. SD needs picking up? Car’s in the driveway. Vicki and Anne R. are better at this one. I’m sure they’ll be along shortly. :-) Sian
