Caring Too Much About What Other People Think
Question:
>Without it, I see something like Parker’s step 1 as a hopeless exercise of
trying to convince oneself by rote of a position which can’t be >supported rationally.
Exactly, a lot of these people who truly behave as though others don’t matter end up raping and killing them and we have a justice system which puts you in prison if you do that and in prison you have to answer to other people’s egos too…
Response:
> > You think so? I can’t shake the feeling that actual apathy about what other people think would be tantamount to driving down a freeway with a blindfold on… Not giving a damn about what other people think doesn’t necessarily prepare you for when you crash into the reality that what other people think does at times have practical implications for your life. krisk…@hotmail.com wrote: > Yeah maybe I don’t want the other extreme, somewhere in the middle would be nice.
"Approaching Nearmal" > Although in certain situations, not giving a damn would be useful, so I could stop worrying about trivial things like what the neighbors must think of me because I never talk to them and hardly ever go out.
OK, let’s start with that. What are the things you believe your neighbors might do should they disapprove of you?
Response:
krisk…@hotmail.com wrote in news:1130143993.118503.14500 @z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com: >> What’s stopping you from not giving a damn? > I guess the fact that I’m human, and most humans care about what other > people think of them. It’s just that my brain is screwed up in that I > care too much about what other people think. > It’s not that I want to ‘not give a damn’ about what other people think > either, that is the other extreme. I would just like to be somewhere in > the middle, like a ‘normal’ person.
Okay, what’s stopping you from doing that? Like, if you decided to spent a whole month doing that–whenever you felt yourself caring too much, you caught yourself and toned it down–what would get in the way?
Response:
"JimSummers" <jimsummer…@aol.com> wrote in news:ebd68daf3ee5e987b7c6186235cfbf3e@localhost.talkaboutsupport.com: >>Without it, I see something like Parker’s step 1 as a hopeless >>exercise of > trying to convince oneself by rote of a position which can’t be >>supported rationally. > Exactly, a lot of these people who truly behave as though others > don’t > matter end up raping and killing them and we have a justice system > which puts you in prison if you do that and in prison you have to > answer to other people’s egos too…
Not caring about someone else’s pain and not caring what other people think about you are two different things. Many murderers, particularly the serial variety, have a very keen interest in their public perception. The most recent case around here–BTK–is a perfect example. He spend a few decades drumming himself up in the media.
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -LisatheSequel wrote: > Visi Caulk Mah Pnats wrote: > > > Subject line pretty much describes the key to my problems, I > > > think. At least one of the main ones. > > > Alcohol helps to some degree, but not totally. Even when totally > > > pissed I can still feel those inhibitions in the back of my mind. > > > Do anti-depressants help with this? I was on Paxil about 6 years > > > ago and I think it did help a bit, but I was only on it for about > > > 6 months so it’s hard to tell. > > > My life would be so much easier if I didn’t care too much about > > > what others thought of me. I mean, I could still be shy, socially > > > awkward etc, but if I didn’t give a damn then at least I’d be > > > happy with myself. > > it takes a while to lern not to gibe a shit but it can bee done. > The only cure for that I know of is age and experience. Iow, know > thyself.
yep that is exactly it too —
Response:
> OK, let’s start with that. What are the things you believe your > neighbors might do should they disapprove of you?
Well, they probably wouldn’t do anything, except maybe make comments about me amongst themselves. I also fear that if there is a group of them chatting, and I have to walk near them to get to/from my car, that they’ll taunt me in some way, like saying ‘hi’ in a sarcastic way or something. But in general what worries me is what they think of me and what they say about me behind my back. If I could avoid them completely then I wouldn’t care what they thought of me, but it’s the fact that I often have to walk past them due to the close proximity of our units that makes it a problem. (btw I live in a block of about 20 units/apartments which is why my neighbors are very close by).
Response:
> Okay, what’s stopping you from doing that? Like, if you decided to spent a > whole month doing that–whenever you felt yourself caring too much, you > caught yourself and toned it down–what would get in the way?
I guess it’s the same thing as asking something with OCD to just stop washing their hands constantly. Obviously if they could do that then they wouldn’t have a problem. It’s the same with me – I can’t help but worry about what other people think of me. I tell myself to stop but I just won’t listen!
Response:
krisk…@hotmail.com wrote: > My life would be so much easier if I didn’t care too much about what > others thought of me.
Most people worry about this to some extent, otherwise expensive clothing stores and luxury car makers would be out of business. But worrying excessively is obviously not a good thing. What is it that you are afraid people might disapprove of about you? Your shyness? In that case there’s a bit of a catch-22, because that might make you nervous around such people which actually reinforces your shyness. Anyway, one first step to get around this might be to start realizing that nobody is perfect. Not you and not the people who you think might be chatting behind your back. What do you know about those people anyway? What kind of defects and disorders and perversions are they hiding inside their heads? Chances are that mere shyness will seem like utter sanity in comparison… After all, how many chopped-up corpses do *you* have in your refrigerator? Second, if people are chatting about you behind your back, have you ever thought about how much of their time they will be spending doing that? Ten seconds per day? Twenty? It probably isn’t worth obsessing over… as long as they have things in their refrigerators, they’ll have other stuff to worry about than your shyness.
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -CLFan wrote: > krisk…@hotmail.com wrote: > > My life would be so much easier if I didn’t care too much about what > > others thought of me. > Most people worry about this to some extent, otherwise expensive > clothing stores and luxury car makers would be out of business. > But worrying excessively is obviously not a good thing. What is it that > you are afraid people might disapprove of about you? Your shyness? In > that case there’s a bit of a catch-22, because that might make you > nervous around such people which actually reinforces your shyness. > Anyway, one first step to get around this might be to start realizing > that nobody is perfect.
Nitpick– "Realizing" is not an action that can occur through conscious intention; it’s like falling asleep. The actual first step is to *tell* oneself that nobody is perfect, and to *look* for evidence to support that theory, and to repeat this process frequently. A realization will only come about as an indirect result of having gone through this process a number of times, just as falling asleep will only come about as an indirect result of the various steps involved in going to bed.
Response:
You’re right and I know it can be a long process – hence "to start realizing" rather than "to realize". Alternatively, how about "to start and keep reminding yourself that nobody is perfect"?
Response:
krisk…@hotmail.com wrote: > Subject line pretty much describes the key to my problems, I think. At > least one of the main ones. > Alcohol helps to some degree, but not totally. Even when totally pissed > I can still feel those inhibitions in the back of my mind. > Do anti-depressants help with this? I was on Paxil about 6 years ago > and I think it did help a bit, but I was only on it for about 6 months > so it’s hard to tell. > My life would be so much easier if I didn’t care too much about what > others thought of me. I mean, I could still be shy, socially awkward > etc, but if I didn’t give a damn then at least I’d be happy with > myself.
I can’t say enough good things about Paxil. It completely eliminated the uncontrollable thoughts AND the uncomfortable physical feelings associated with them. If Paxil worked somewhat for you, it’s possible you might need something stronger. As for me, it worked 100% literally overnight, but I’m a rare case and also very lucky in that regard. KC
Response:
CLFan wrote: > You’re right and I know it can be a long process – hence "to start > realizing" rather than "to realize". > Alternatively, how about "to start and keep reminding yourself that > nobody is perfect"?
That’s good. "reminding" is something people can actually literally get up and do. It’s only the use of words like "realize" (or "believe") as imperatives that peeves me.
Response:
krisk…@hotmail.com wrote: > Do anti-depressants help with this? I was on Paxil about 6 years ago > and I think it did help a bit, but I was only on it for about 6 months > so it’s hard to tell. > My life would be so much easier if I didn’t care too much about what > others thought of me. I mean, I could still be shy, socially awkward > etc, but if I didn’t give a damn then at least I’d be happy with > myself.
Caring about what others think simply makes you normal. Obsessively thinking about it could be a genetically predisposed problem that could be fixed through various anti-depressants. I can only speak for my own experiences with meds, since I know they work differently for some people, but the combination of klonopin and effexor has done wonders as far as improving my energy level and helping me obsess less with others judging me. I still care about what others think, but for the most part, if something embarssing happens or if I have a faux pas of some sorts, it may bother me at the moment, but by the next day, I’ve either forgotten about it, or don’t care. I work customer service in a call center at a cable company, so almost all the people calling up are calling because they are unhappy, so I have to have thick skin, as I have to deal with lots of angry people who scream and yell about the most trivial things. Honestly, without these meds, there is no way I could have a job like this, as not only to have to act as an emotional punching bag for the company, I have to talk for 8 hours a day. That can be difficult if you have SAD, as you might guess.
Response:
krisk…@hotmail.com wrote in news:1130217823.669381.301430@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com: >> Okay, what’s stopping you from doing that? Like, if you decided to >> spent a whole month doing that–whenever you felt yourself caring too >> much, you caught yourself and toned it down–what would get in the >> way? > I guess it’s the same thing as asking something with OCD to just stop > washing their hands constantly. Obviously if they could do that then > they wouldn’t have a problem. It’s the same with me – I can’t help but > worry about what other people think of me. I tell myself to stop but I > just won’t listen!
With an OCD, the perceived consequences of not indulging the compulsion are front and center, so I’m not sure it applies here. With compulsive hand- washing, it may be fear of getting sick, or discomfort with the feeling of dirty hands, or the desire to keep pristine the things one touches, or an infatuation with praise from others for having well-kept hands, or maybe at the extreme end a "deal with the universe" that if you invest lots of time washing you hands good things will happen (and bad things will happen otherwise). Anyway, what I was (askewedly) suggesting is that you be mindful of the reasons behind your particular behavior. Those reasons won’t immediately jump to the fore if they haven’t already, so you’ll have to challenge the behavior by threatening to deny it. If nothing comes up, deny it and see what happens. You’ll probably fumble the first 99 times you try–it’s not magic. Once you figure out why you’re doing it, you’ll be in a better position to figure out what to do to change it.
Response:
—–BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE—– Hash: SHA1 In article <1130276127.911128.18…@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com> The Babaloughesian <Doomed_forthesakeofmomen…@hotmail.com> wrote: >That’s good. "reminding" is something people can actually literally >get up and do. It’s only the use of words like "realize" (or >"believe") as imperatives that peeves me.
Oh, [just] get over it already. – — "IBM has more patent litigation lawyers than SCO has employees." – unknown —–BEGIN PGP SIGNATURE—– Version: GnuPG v1.4.2 (GNU/Linux) Comment: Please fetch my new key 804177F8 from hkp://wwwkeys.eu.pgp.net/ iD8DBQFDYPP2wyMv24BBd/gRAjznAKCVWV825zbrXQTI/75rq2RZ43YDPwCeK9tp 2xENLIyVpJj9/d8PbCoTe/w= =omD3 —–END PGP SIGNATURE—–
Response:
> What’s stopping you from not giving a damn?
I guess the fact that I’m human, and most humans care about what other people think of them. It’s just that my brain is screwed up in that I care too much about what other people think. It’s not that I want to ‘not give a damn’ about what other people think either, that is the other extreme. I would just like to be somewhere in the middle, like a ‘normal’ person.
Response:
krisk…@hotmail.com wrote: > Subject line pretty much describes the key to my problems, I think. At > least one of the main ones. > Alcohol helps to some degree, but not totally. Even when totally pissed > I can still feel those inhibitions in the back of my mind. > Do anti-depressants help with this? I was on Paxil about 6 years ago > and I think it did help a bit, but I was only on it for about 6 months > so it’s hard to tell. > My life would be so much easier if I didn’t care too much about what > others thought of me.
True. Too bad it’s so hard to tell exactly where "just enough" ends and "too much" begins. > I mean, I could still be shy, socially awkward > etc, but if I didn’t give a damn then at least I’d be happy with > myself.
You think so? I can’t shake the feeling that actual apathy about what other people think would be tantamount to driving down a freeway with a blindfold on. You can be happy about yourself, at least until you crash into something. Not giving a damn about what other people think doesn’t necessarily prepare you for when you crash into the reality that what other people think does at times have practical implications for your life. What prepares you for that, I think, is probably confidence in your basic competence to deal with unforseen consequences when they occur. Call it a combination of an air bag, a seatbelt, and health insurance. I’ve never had that sort of thing myself, but my impression is that that’s the real key to everything. It’s the underlying assumption upon which you can build the other stuff. Without it, I see something like Parker’s step 1 as a hopeless exercise of trying to convince oneself by rote of a position which can’t be supported rationally.
Response:
Visi Caulk Mah Pnats wrote: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->>Subject line pretty much describes the key to my problems, I think. At >>least one of the main ones. >>Alcohol helps to some degree, but not totally. Even when totally >>pissed I can still feel those inhibitions in the back of my mind. >>Do anti-depressants help with this? I was on Paxil about 6 years ago >>and I think it did help a bit, but I was only on it for about 6 months >>so it’s hard to tell. >>My life would be so much easier if I didn’t care too much about what >>others thought of me. I mean, I could still be shy, socially awkward >>etc, but if I didn’t give a damn then at least I’d be happy with >>myself. > it takes a while to lern not to gibe a shit but it can bee done.
The only cure for that I know of is age and experience. Iow, know thyself.
Response:
> You think so? I can’t shake the feeling that actual apathy about what > other people think would be tantamount to driving down a freeway with a > blindfold on. You can be happy about yourself, at least until you > crash into something. Not giving a damn about what other people think
Yeah maybe I don’t want the other extreme, somewhere in the middle would be nice. Although in certain situations, not giving a damn would be useful, so I could stop worrying about trivial things like what the neighbors must think of me because I never talk to them and hardly ever go out. In those situations my behaviour wouldn’t change (i.e. I wouldn’t start acting like a dickhead) but I would be a hell of a lot happier without the worry.
Response:
krisk…@hotmail.com wrote: > > You think so? I can’t shake the feeling that actual apathy about what > > other people think would be tantamount to driving down a freeway with a > > blindfold on. You can be happy about yourself, at least until you > > crash into something. Not giving a damn about what other people think > Yeah maybe I don’t want the other extreme, somewhere in the middle > would be nice. > Although in certain situations, not giving a damn would be useful, so I > could stop worrying about trivial things like what the neighbors must > think of me because I never talk to them and hardly ever go out. In > those situations my behaviour wouldn’t change (i.e. I wouldn’t start > acting like a dickhead) but I would be a hell of a lot happier without > the worry.
Indeed, some situations, maybe even many situations, carry negligible risks, if any.
Response:
krisk…@hotmail.com wrote: > Subject line pretty much describes the key to my problems, I think. At > least one of the main ones. > Alcohol helps to some degree, but not totally. Even when totally > pissed I can still feel those inhibitions in the back of my mind. > Do anti-depressants help with this? I was on Paxil about 6 years ago > and I think it did help a bit, but I was only on it for about 6 months > so it’s hard to tell. > My life would be so much easier if I didn’t care too much about what > others thought of me. I mean, I could still be shy, socially awkward > etc, but if I didn’t give a damn then at least I’d be happy with > myself.
it takes a while to lern not to gibe a shit but it can bee done. —
Response:
krisk…@hotmail.com wrote in news:1130111288.774125.46930 @z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com: > Do anti-depressants help with this? I was on Paxil about 6 years ago > and I think it did help a bit, but I was only on it for about 6 months > so it’s hard to tell.
For some. It helps with my depression though not so much with anxiety; however, depression keeps me from interacting with others so I think it does help in that regard. — As for the pastor, after four days of listening to science experts dismantling the case for intelligent design, he was unimpressed. "They’re babblers," said the pastor, the Rev. Jim Grove, who leads a 40-member independent Baptist church outside of Dover. "The more Ph.D.’s you get, it seems like the further away from God you get." (NY Times, 10-2-05)
Response:
krisk…@hotmail.com wrote in news:1130111288.774125.46930 @z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com: > Subject line pretty much describes the key to my problems, I think. At > least one of the main ones. > Alcohol helps to some degree, but not totally. Even when totally pissed > I can still feel those inhibitions in the back of my mind. > Do anti-depressants help with this? I was on Paxil about 6 years ago > and I think it did help a bit, but I was only on it for about 6 months > so it’s hard to tell. > My life would be so much easier if I didn’t care too much about what > others thought of me. I mean, I could still be shy, socially awkward > etc, but if I didn’t give a damn then at least I’d be happy with > myself.
My method: Step 1: Do you know in your conscious mind that others’ opinions don’t matter? If so, sweet. If not, convince yourself. Step 2: Repeat this knowledge to yourself very frequently. Step 3: Believe it in your gut. It’s not a fast method. A year to make significant progress with this is fantastic.
Response:
krisk…@hotmail.com wrote in news:1130111288.774125.46930 @z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com: > Subject line pretty much describes the key to my problems, I think. At > least one of the main ones. > Alcohol helps to some degree, but not totally. Even when totally pissed > I can still feel those inhibitions in the back of my mind. > Do anti-depressants help with this? I was on Paxil about 6 years ago > and I think it did help a bit, but I was only on it for about 6 months > so it’s hard to tell. > My life would be so much easier if I didn’t care too much about what > others thought of me. I mean, I could still be shy, socially awkward > etc, but if I didn’t give a damn then at least I’d be happy with > myself.
What’s stopping you from not giving a damn?
Response:
Subject line pretty much describes the key to my problems, I think. At least one of the main ones. Alcohol helps to some degree, but not totally. Even when totally pissed I can still feel those inhibitions in the back of my mind. Do anti-depressants help with this? I was on Paxil about 6 years ago and I think it did help a bit, but I was only on it for about 6 months so it’s hard to tell. My life would be so much easier if I didn’t care too much about what others thought of me. I mean, I could still be shy, socially awkward etc, but if I didn’t give a damn then at least I’d be happy with myself.
