stripping/dancing?
Question:
To Bonnie’s dilemma : I would take some time to recover. I know it can be a traumatic thing when someone does what your husband did to you. I went through it myself about 5 years ago. I couldn’t imagine what I would do without my ex-girlfriend, and when we split, I was lost. It took me a long time to rebuild myself and to form an identity that consisted of "me" instead of part "me" and part "whoever" I was dating. I think that now I am much happier with myself, much more confident, and have much more to offer in a relationship as I feel "complete" in myself, and am no longer looking for someone else to fill the gaps. I have suffered from OCD for about 10 years and recently (1 year) began taking Zoloft on the recommendation of my psychiatrist. I qualified for state assistance at the time because of my income, so they didn’t charge me for the visits, and the doctor knew I didn’t have insurance, so he gave me samples for as long as I needed (many doctors will do this if you ask and explain your situation.) I can’t even begin to explain how much my life has changed. It wasn’t easy, and I am still fighting, but I have never felt better in my life. I have had the most amazing year of my life. I would recommend getting to a doctor if you’re not already, and do it now. There’s no reason to wait – why suffer any longer. Medication will not cure you, but it will give you the strength to fight and make the changes you need to cure yourself. P.S. I worked as a disc jockey in several "adult clubs" for quite a while, and I would highly discourage anyone from working in any similar atmosphere, especially as a dancer (or waitress, which inevitably leads to dancing.) I have seen a lot of lives ruined and a lot of people come out of there with their perception of money, social behavior, male- female relationships and responsibility completely WHACKED (for lack of a better term.) Best wishes and keep on fighting 
Amos Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.
Response:
No I wont go to that kind of life style. My head is just so screwed up right now I don’t know what to do or to think anymore, I think Im going NUTS! I want my old life back so much, I just cry and think all the time, and you know what…….after my husband left I have been so depressed I don’t have the thoughts or the energy to do stupid rituals or obsess over hand washing and things . Well I obsess over my husband every second of the day! I even call him a 100 times a day and I think Im pushing him away even more so I must stop the calls right? Anyway no, I will find another job or even 2 jobs to get some income I will not bring myself to that level. Thanx, Boni
Response:
<~What kind of places would you go to? You sound like a good decent sweet person Kel so i would trust your thoughts on this one : ) Boni~> Awe well thank you 
) Same to you. I actually met my boyfriend of 2 years (we plan on getting married eventually) at Dennys. hehe. I was sitting in the Non-Smoking section, and my eyes were drawn to the parking lot. And there he was. I knew right then i would be with him. He came in the door, and saw me right off and we bagan flirting with our eyes and smiles throughout the night. I went to use the phone, and he followed me to the bathroom, but i was too shy to say anything! Wah! Then i had to go. I was so disappointed. But then the next week i saw him there again. I was leaving as he was coming in. I left my pager number on his car ) He called me later that night and we talked, and decided to meet up at a concert 2 days later ) We hit it off and we’ve been together ever since. So honestly i don’t have any ‘good’ ideas for places to meet nice guys. I guess we all just filter through the losers till we find a good one! You’ll find one, mabye in the most unlikely place but you will ) Good luck!
Response:
This sounds so much like my own first experience that I had to reply. I married at 18 (H.S. sweetheart) and had my first at 20 (barely). The divorce followed at around 22-23. What you probably DON’T need is to jump right into another relationship. Dating is one thing, a relationship is another. Take some time to enjoy yourself and explore your independence some. I am remarried now to a wonderful man. I met him less than a year after my divorce and he quickly realized that I was rebounding. I had never lived on my own or been without a steady boyfriend. I went straight from home to wife/mother. I moved to another state and gave myself some time to explore *me*. I did things I had never done before and I did everything on my own terms. No one to answer to. I even dating some. I stayed in touch with this nice man I had met and even visited him a few times. After 2 1/2 years, I moved back and we have been together ever since. I honestly feel that if our relationship hadn’t meant to be that we would have both taken other paths during the time we were apart. We had both agreed to date others. I am not saying you have to be totally alone, but it sure helped me grow into a person I really like. I am comfortable by myself and with myself. I enjoy the solitude of being alone. >I had my first child when I was 19. im now 25 >and I had never went out to have fun or party because my kids always >came first so I wouldnt have a clue to even begin to shop around for a >good honest guy…any ideas???? >What kind of places would you go to? You sound like a good decent sweet >person Kel so i would trust your thoughts on this one : )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thinking is the talking of the soul with itself. – Plato Get paid to surf the net….http://www.epipo.com/sine.asp?SCushway Tell them who sent you: SCushway
Response:
I had my first child when I was 19. im now 25 and I had never went out to have fun or party because my kids always came first so I wouldnt have a clue to even begin to shop around for a good honest guy…any ideas???? What kind of places would you go to? You sound like a good decent sweet person Kel so i would trust your thoughts on this one : ) Boni
Response:
Bonnie Vojvodich <jbvojvod…@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:22238-378D84EE-89@newsd-272.iap.bryant.webtv.net… > I had my first child when I was 19. im now 25 > and I had never went out to have fun or party because my kids always > came first so I wouldnt have a clue to even begin to shop around for a > good honest guy…any ideas???? > What kind of places would you go to? You sound like a good decent sweet > person Kel so i would trust your thoughts on this one : ) > Boni
I’m not Kel but hopefully my 2 cents may also be useful. First up – keep your expectations realistic. The singles scene is a heartbreaking emotional merry-go-round that will make the way you feel now seem like paradise if you are not careful. Second – If you can afford it a counselor specialising in marriage and relationships can help work through the emotional issues related to your abandonment. Before you start shopping get an idea of what you are looking for. There are two points to consider and I’ll use the metaphor of buying a dress; what size am I and what looks good on me. Knowing your size is a matter of self analysis and figuring out who you are and how you work. There are lots of self help books on this subject so go grab a few and start reading up. When you have an idea of your size you need to think about what looks good on you. That is, what type of guy do you want. Again, the self help section of the book store will have titles galore here. I’ll recommend three titles; Uncoupling : Turning Points in Intimate Relationships / Diane Vaughan This deals with the whole process of becoming single again. It describes the processes nearly everyone goes through when a relationship ends and will help you as you progress through the phases of establishing a new identity as a single person. It will help you to decide what size you are as your shape will change dramatically over the next few months as you develop a new self image. 16 Ways to Love Your Lover / Otto Kroeger The 16 ways deals with the 16 Myers Briggs personality types and the ways they interact to form relationships. You can figure out your personality type at www.keirsey.com and then use this book to help understand both yourself and future partners. Developing a skill at picking other peoples types needs to be developed to make this useful. How to Make Anyone Fall in Love With You / Leil Lowndes This is a real piece of crap but essential reading to defend yourself against some of the head games guys may try and play. It deals with low level behavioural research on mating practices. It’s ugly reading for anyone with a conscience and I’m appalled that it was written by a woman. Understanding yourself and what you want is essential if you want to improve your chances of finding the right friend and partner. It won’t be easy. Some general advice – You have been in an intimate relationship for some time now. The immediate tendency is to become attached to someone just like your old mate with a likely possibility of a similar result. So many abused spouses repeat their mistake. Understanding yourself and what is good for you will help break the pattern and prevent this. Me first. Say it again. Me first. Think of your own needs first. You are looking for someone to give yourself to yes, but make sure they have what you need and are willing and able to give in return. Don’t let emotional neediness get the better of you and grab the first one that comes along. And don’t expect it to happen at once. Even though your husband was a slug you were emotionally attached to him and it will take time to create a similar attachment. Try and avoid the I want it all and I want it now syndrome. This can wreck a promising new love. Don’t sit and wait for it come to you. Approach men you like. This is the 90’s and it’s ok to ask a guy out. Actually, many men would appreciate it to know they are attractive especially the decent ones. Many of us nice guys find it hard having to play the role of predator. Some of us would prefer to be the catchee. Learn to say no. This goes with Me first. You can’t say yes to Mr Right unless you can say no to Mr Wrong. Ok, where to meet people? Real life is probably the best place. Join clubs where there are people with common interests. This can be hard when you have kids and are having problems just keeping your head together but it is a generally healthy thing to do. Failing this, singles bars! NOT! The occasional nice guy might be found there but not for long. We find it as oppressive as nice women do. Dating services. These come in various flavours. Some are like clubs and organise events such as dinners and parties. This is a good way to just mingle and meet new friends. It can also be stressful if you’re not into crowds. Others do smaller dinners for 4 to 6 people and the rest do 1 to 1 meetings. Again, this can be harrowing stuff if you are shy. Internet services. This is a good way to start. You get anonymity, safety and practice at introducing yourself. Try for penpals at first with no promises of comittment. You can chat with a few guys this way and gather info on what size you are and what fits. Believe me, you’ll be amazed at some of the losers that are out there so take it easy. I’ve found www.one-and-only.com to be good value. You can browse for free and only join if you see someone you like to write to. Placing an ad is free. www.match.com is also good but costs money even to place an ad. The single life is fraught with heartache and you’ll need to keep yourself strong to survive. The lady I met just recently didn’t work out and I’m back searching. Again, be careful. You’ve suffered a major disappointment so don’t let your fragile emotions be used against you. I’m sure others will add to what I’ve said, especially with other dating sites in the US, the only others I know are here in Australia. Regards, Trevor
Response:
<~I would just do anything to get my husband back with me.I think he has been cheating n me since the day he left now I really just want to DIE.~> No No No. He is the scum not you. You deserve someone to love you and be faithful in every way. Just got a bad apple. That doesen’t make you any less of a person. Just means you have some time to shop around for a fresher more tasty apple! ) I think the old one was rotten to the core!
Response:
Ok here I am stuck to pay all the bills and total control over all, my husband wont help me at all! So how bad would it be to become a stripper until money is good again, then go to school and be something? My life sucks anyway…..so I might as well go to this. anyone out there have any thoughts on this. please don’t be mean….i cant take any put downs I know how degrading the job could be? Boni
Response:
not elligible for any benefits? (who is? You have to be up for one heck of a fight to get them). How does the dh feel about you stripping? Would he rather you take off your clothes for other men than take some responsibility? If so, take the job and lose him. Don’t strip to support someone else. Only do it to improve your own personal situation and only if you will be strong enough to walk away when it’s time. I’ve seen too many get lulled into the quick, easy and abundant money from stripping. It may be harder to take a different path, but then no one said like was easy. At least you know you’ll still have your dignity intact. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thinking is the talking of the soul with itself. – Plato Get paid to surf the net….http://www.epipo.com/sine.asp?SCushway Tell them who sent you: SCushway
Response:
Hi Bonnie. I hope you are not offended that I replied via e-mail. Your post was a real attention getter for me being a single male. (This is not a ` come on` by me, I am sincere). That type of dancing isn`t always degrading as I`ve seen it done tastefully. It is reprehensible that your husband would shirk his responsibilities in that manner. I hope your children are not hurt by this. I suppose you can`t afford treatment for Ocd under your present circumstane which sucks. Your having had a lifetime of this illness is something I can relate to. A `normal life` may be just an illusion but whatever it is I think I have been deprived of it because of Ocd. I`ve done behavioral therapy and currently take two types of medication which help. I know I`ll have this for the rest of my life which sucks. The Internet and newsgroups such as this have been the best therapy I`ve had so far. I don`t feel so isolated now that sympathetic people are just a few ` clicks` away. If you are curious about the dancing thing I can give you the website address of a really cool young woman who dances in Montreal, Canada and posts `tastefully` done nude photos on her site. She is French and isn`t real good with English but she answers e-mail and may give you some good advice. Best wishes to you and your kids. E-mail me back if you want to, otherwise I`ll follow your progress in the newsgroup. BILL
Response:
The manner in which you’re asking us about this gives me the distinct impression that you really don’t want to resort to doing something like this. I don’t recommend doing it. Besides already lowering your self esteem even more (who needs it?) – the problem is you become accustomed to raking in that sort of cash and you will never get around to going to school. The money will *never* be that good so try not to get sucked into this if you can possibly avoid it. Good luck. PS- I will be your friend regardless of which decision you make but I strongly advise another career choice. Ida Bonnie Vojvodich wrote in message
<4737-378C1AA…@newsd-273.iap.bryant.webtv.net>… Ok here I am stuck to pay all the bills and total control over all, my husband wont help me at all! So how bad would it be to become a stripper until money is good again, then go to school and be something? My life sucks anyway…..so I might as well go to this. anyone out there have any thoughts on this. please don’t be mean….i cant take any put downs I know how degrading the job could be? Boni
Response:
<~The money will *never* be that good so try not to get sucked into this if you can possibly avoid it.~> My sentiments exactly. Once you start dancing and making that kind of money, and regular, respectable job won’t be enough. You won’t feel like you are getting anything out of it, knowing you could just go take your clothes off for some gross old guys and shake it a little and get 3 times as much. I highly discourage it. Its not good for the self-esteem. At all.
Response:
You are 100% right Kel…I must have been stupid to have even thought of a nasty job!!!! I would just do anything to get my husband back with me.I think he has been cheating n me since the day he left now I really just want to DIE.
Response:
Hi Bonnie, I agree with Ida and Kelley. I’d just like to add that your husband left you only two weeks ago and maybe it’s too early to be thinking about such an important decision. I know that you are feeling very depressed and that’s just the sort of time when people make decisions that sometimes they later regret. Is there nothing you can do to force your husband to fulfil his financial responsibilities? Is there anyone in his family that you can talk to about this? That would be my first action. My second action would be to fight like hell for some disability money from the government. Kind regards, Steve
