Men, relationships and OCD: a question.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders » OCD » Men, relationships and OCD: a question.

Question:

Thanks a lot for all the responses – interesting stuff. Still, there weren’t too many responses which surprises me slightly because the question was about what seems to be a real and important phenomenon. Oh well. Gareth.

Response:

Gareth Davies wrote:

Hi Gareth, > Just a quick(ish) question for men (and I suppose women!) > I’m quite interested in what seems to be a fact: men with mental health > problems such as OCD seem to find it very hard to form and mantain > relationships with women – the proportion of men with diagnosed anxiety > problems who are single is incredibly high when compared to men without > anxiety (or other mental health) problems. Yet the same is not true for women > with mental health problems.

"Just a quick(ish) question" … hehe. I could go on for *hours* on this one! <but I’ll spare you …> IMO, there are many, many reason for this difference that are based on more social reasons – like you say. I personally believe that beneath all the socialization crap men and women are very similar creatures – we all have the same desires to be loved, understood and respected and to give those feelings back to others as well. But because we live in a ’social’ world differences can occur and these differences will ’show up’ in many situations. > A couple of question: Firstly, what is the possible explanation for this – why > do women not seem to have the same problem in finding a partner? Also, how > does this reality affect the self-esteem and wellbeing of the men who are on > the receiving, without choice, of a single lifestyle?

IMHO, men in our society have a harder ‘bill to fill’ when it comes to certain emotional qualities – such as self confidence, ‘toughness’ and security. Anxiety problems are a direct attack on those qualities. Where as traditionally not such ‘high’ standards expected for women. It is just ‘easier’ for women to ‘get away with’ being not quite right upstairs (anxiety wise) … some people actually expect it!! … so perhaps in many relationships (perhaps not too healthy of ones) it is not *such* a problem for the woman to have anxiety problems as it would be for a man to have these same problems. I mean this in a very general sense. (I do not by into this vein of societal thinking at all – I fully accept men that are just as wacko as myself! ) > My hunch is that the problem is more social than purely psychological – that > men with anxiety/mental health problems tend not to put themselves in > social situations where they are likely to meet women who are potential > partners.

That’s a very good point. Men that ‘get out there’ are much more likely to meet partners. But I don’t think ‘out there’ has to be a bar or some other "meet market". One of my male friends says he meets all his best dates at the grocery store, the laundromat and when walking his dog – through normal everyday activities. > When they do put themselves in the position they tend to display a > pretty awkward interpersonal style which isn’t designed to develop intimacy > in relations. I wonder if programs/treatment which in some ways "ignore" the > psychological aspects of OCD and use *basic* behavioural therapy to > address the immediate social situation would allow men with these problems to > develop more attractive responses? (This is a generalisation I know).

My guess is perhaps people force themselves into situations that they would not normally be in. I mean who acts like themselves at a dance, a night club or a party – anxiety problem (OCD) or not? I always feel like the dork-of -the-month and I’m pretty sure I put out that vibe. (I don’t hang out at these places currently – but I have) I do not enjoy these types of situations so I don’t feel comfy and when I don’t feel comfy … red alert! red alert! I’m not me. Anyway, that is just my perspective .. feel free to disagree. Good topic – I like that post Gareth. — Monkey http://pages.hotbot.com/health/sillychickens/ mon…@gilligansisland.net (to email me axe ‘gilligans’) —

Response:

In article <76o87n$ei…@plug.news.pipex.net>, Gareth Davies <xrb…@dial.pipex.com> writes >My hunch is that the problem is more social than purely psychological – that >men with anxiety/mental health problems tend not to put themselves in >social situations where they are likely to meet women who are potential >partners. When they do put themselves in the position they tend to display a >pretty awkward interpersonal style which isn’t designed to develop intimacy >in relations.

Yes, this is true of me at any rate. (I would say more but I’ve got the flu and am exhausted…) — Simon —

Response:

Gareth Davies wrote in message <76o87n$ei…@plug.news.pipex.net>… >A couple of question: Firstly, what is the possible explanation for this – why >do women not seem to have the same problem in finding a partner? Also, how >does this reality affect the self-esteem and wellbeing of the men who are on >the receiving, without choice, of a single lifestyle?

One reason could be the difference in expectations and roles between men and women. Men are expected to be stong both mentally and physically, they are expected to be the providers and the protectors. Women are expected to the weaker both physically and mentally, they are to be provided for and protected. Weak women want strong men but what is a weak man to do? How is a man who can barely care for himself care for a wife and children? Women often find out what the man experiences in regards to being the protector and provider after they give bith to a child. It is then that they have similar expections and responsibilities. >My hunch is that the problem is more social than purely psychological – that >men with anxiety/mental health problems tend not to put themselves in >social situations where they are likely to meet women who are potential >partners. When they do put themselves in the position they tend to display a >pretty awkward interpersonal style which isn’t designed to develop intimacy >in relations.

I agree that social expectations and social skills are at play here but I think they all derive from a sense of self that that is not healthy, that is, psychological problems. > I wonder if programs/treatment which in some ways "ignore" the >psychological aspects of OCD and use *basic* behavioural therapy to >address the immediate social situation would allow men with these problems to >develop more attractive responses? (This is a generalisation I know).

If I understand your statement correctly, I would say that until one develops a healthy sense of one’s self, many would not be able to do "basic" behavioral therapy. They are too self conscious, they have a self esteem that is too low, their sense of themselves is negative and their confidence level is too low. I would think that many would be able to do their own behavior therapy if their therapy was designed to build a strong sense of self, a self that knows who and what they are, and a sense of themselves that really reflects who they are. — Take care of your "self". whatatrip rbol…@premier1.net