Afraid of the dark

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders » Panic Attacks » Afraid of the dark

Question:

writes I’m a soon-to-be step-parent wondering about a situation with my girlfriend and her son. The son is nearly 11, and he frequently lets his imagination get the best of him at night, resulting in near panic-attacks. His bedroom is just a few feet down the hall from our bedroom, but more likely than not, when he’s scared, my girlfriend will go into his room and sleep there until he falls asleep, or they’ll go downstairs and sleep in the living room. Personally, I don’t think this is a good idea; it seems to me that the son will never develop coping skills. Any ideas here? Should the mom continue to come to her son’s rescue whenever he’s scared of the dark? If not, what are some techniques to address this?

This is all just my ‘umble opinion. I don’t know you, so if I’ve got it wrong, forgive me. Sorry to disagree with you, but I think what you sugggest would be quite fatal to your chances of building a good relationship with your new family. Look at it from his point of view. You barge into his life. He didn’t invite you. He probably feels angry, jealous and threatened, though he might also feel excited and eager. All these feelings, and feelings of guilt about them, are bound to make him more scared at night. He needs comfort at those times. The coping skill he has developed is to revert to infancy and be with his mother. If you deprive him of that comfort, how do you think he is likely to react? Why should he suddenly develop a lot of new skills just to impress you? My sense is that you are feeling that at eleven he ought to be over all this. Maybe you are the kind of person who never has nightmares or night fears, but plenty of adults do have them. I hope this isn’t too intense, but it sounds to me as if you are perhaps a little angry and jealous yourself that your wife-to-be is deserting you for her son. The only way to get along in a stepfamily is to recognise these negative feelings, which are totally universal. That’s why I mention it. If he and his mother want to change their way of dealing with his fears, then various ideas are worth trying. If they are happy about it, then your job is not to interfere, but to love and support them. Hope this helps, — Jane Lumley

Response:

I think it all depends on why this child is afraid of the dark and how often this is happening. There are some children who are obsessive-compulsive and cannot get the unwanted thoughts out of their heads, no matter how hard they try. (I know… my 9 year old is one of them). We have found it helps to give our daughter something else to listen to as she goes back to sleep. We play books on tape and as she concentrates on listening to them, she is able to go back to sleep. Of course, it is important that the tapes be appropriate and not something that is going to feed the fears. (My daughter has been listening to the Ramona and Anne of Green Gables Books… I’m not sure what would be good for an 11 year old boy). Also, since your future step-son has such a vivid imagination, I would be extra careful of what he watches on television or sees at the movies. Things that wouldn’t bother you or me could be very upsetting for a child like this. There are still times, however, that our coping strategies do not work and either my husband or I will cuddle up to comfort her. ~Jan

Response:

Some types of fears, such as fear of the dark, fear of ghosts, fear of disease, fear of death, fear of being alone, are thought to be inborn. Some of these unreasonable fears persist well into adulthood. There is no explaination for them. You can’t talk people out of that sort of fear. It’s part of their psychological make-up. Have a heart. Don’t ridicule the boy. There may even be some logic to an inborn fear of the dark. Human’s night vision is not well developed. We can’t know what’s running around out there. We come from a not TOO distant past when being out alone after dark could result in being eaten by wild animals. From our earliest genetic memories, we sought shelter and protection when it got dark. Caves, trees, fire. For our kind, darkness and death are closely connected. Even the low point of our life energy occurs in the middle of the night, it’s said to be about 3:00am that most deaths occur. I’m a soon-to-be step-parent wondering about a situation with my girlfriend and her son. The son is nearly 11, and he frequently lets his imagination get the best of him at night, resulting in near panic-attacks. His bedroom is just a few feet down the hall from our bedroom, but more likely than not, when he’s scared, my girlfriend will go into his room and sleep there until he falls asleep, or they’ll go downstairs and sleep in the living room. Personally, I don’t think this is a good idea; it seems to me that the son will never develop coping skills. Any ideas here? Should the mom continue to come to her son’s rescue whenever he’s scared of the dark?

This is also how things get when it’s just the mom and child in the household. They get very involved with each other. I’d say that the mother tends to get overly dependent on the child, looking on him as more of a partner than child. Not a particularly healthy situation. A nighlight might be a good idea. No, I don’t think that she needs to keep going into her son’s bedroom all night. But then, if it’s been just her and her son for many years, they learn to cope without a dad. You might find yourself taking a backseat in many ways.

Response:

I’m a soon-to-be step-parent wondering about a situation with my girlfriend and her son. The son is nearly 11, and he frequently lets his imagination get the best of him at night, resulting in near panic-attacks. His bedroom is just a few feet down the hall from our bedroom, but more likely than not, when he’s scared, my girlfriend will go into his room and sleep there until he falls asleep, or they’ll go downstairs and sleep in the living room. Personally, I don’t think this is a good idea; it seems to me that the son will never develop coping skills. Any ideas here? Should the mom continue to come to her son’s rescue whenever he’s scared of the dark? If not, what are some techniques to address this? Thanks!