freaky bad (long)
Question:
Thank you so much, Kevin. That was such a nice response. By writing what I wrote I believe I realized what it is I want. That what was obvious finally made the connection to me. I wonder if what I am going through now is actually a reaction to last year. And I wonder if thinking about doing it again was an attempt to either further punish myself for it, or an attempt to reconcile myself–a way of dealing with it because I’d be face-to-face with it. I think it is better not to be face-to-face. I think it really hurt me. I think that is what is so painful now. And terrifying. To let go of this self-destructive behavior that made me feel punished. I see now that what I need to do is let it go. And that I should write a poem about it, or a letter, or anything, but I should not again put myself in that position. For me, it was just damaging. I mean, I ended up in a hospital, twice. I tried to kill myself. Gosh, I am really smart in other ways — how can I not be logical about myself? Thank you for replying. best, jc
I just want to say that. I am afraid everyone is going to attack me. It is too hard to talk about myself. It is really scary. jc Hi JC, I’m glad you shared what you posted — it was
appropriately spoilered, – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – and please know you’re by no means unique (I hope that helps). I know a lot of people can relate to a lot of what you wrote about. If we keep things secret, what we are facing, especially important things, then they can take on a life of their own. By sharing you open yourself up to support. Your post was very honest, and I hope by posting and sharing you can reach out and make the best decisions for yourself. Kevin
Response:
I just want to say that. I am afraid everyone is going to attack me. It is too hard to talk about myself. It is really scary. jc
Response:
I just want to say that. I am afraid everyone is going to attack me. It is too hard to talk about myself. It is really scary. jc
Hi JC, I’m glad you shared what you posted — it was appropriately spoilered, and please know you’re by no means unique (I hope that helps). I know a lot of people can relate to a lot of what you wrote about. If we keep things secret, what we are facing, especially important things, then they can take on a life of their own. By sharing you open yourself up to support. Your post was very honest, and I hope by posting and sharing you can reach out and make the best decisions for yourself. Kevin
Response:
Hello, ase-d, I am going to spoiler this for purging and sexual intercourse please do not read if you are triggered it is not that interesting even though I use the word "sexual" * * * * * * * * * * I am having some problems, I guess. I have not been much of a binger, but I have been having horrible cravings. I have told myself the past two nights that I can have what I want, but I have to throw it back up. I hate throwing up. During my purging episodes, I found myself thinking about… sex. Not as a turn on, but as a turn off to make myself throw up. I am not going to be any more graphic than that. It was very unpleasant as throwing up always is for me. (Sex, too, I guess.) The thing is, I am up for this teaching job. I find out early next week, or Friday if I got it. It is for next semester and I don’t know what I will do. I called an escort agency to see if I could work for them. I figure I might as well get paid. I did this last year for a couple months until I became severely anorexic and I entered the hospital. Everything about my actions lately is thus telling me not to do this. But I am so far disconnected from my feelings that to trust the "logic" that seems as meaningless a reason as — I have anorexia because of *whatever*. It is like I "know"something on one level, but on the levels that I act upon I do not know it at all. Really do not know it, do not believe it, think I am just nervous about a new job. Clearly there is come connection between the sex work idea and the purging. Clearly it is not a "let’s do it" connection. It really hurt me last year. It was an experiment to see if I could come to terms with sexuality. I couldn’t. I don’t want to be touched, commented on, or looked at. So it seems really the opposite of me, and like a cruel punishment I devised for myself. I guess it was that. I really felt punished. But I am supposed to call the house tomorrow night. I will feel guilty if I do not call. If I do, I am scared I will say I will show up. And then I will have a major panic attack or two or three. Why do I want so badly to punish myself? I mean, I know I don’t want to do this — ever again. And I should never have done it in the first place. I needed to find a way to pay my rent and pay my matriculation fees. This is bad–it is really bad. I told my therapist and she thanked me for telling her. (? She had another patient coming in.) I don’t know what to do with myself. How to keep myself safe. I know what to do, but why do I keep doing things that damage me, instead? I really wanted to die last year. And I tried. It was a close call. I think the same thing would happen. It can’t in any way make me better. Okay, I just can’t do it or think any more about it. I have heard it is best to make the choices that increase your self esteem. But why am I having such trauma over this "choice"? How can I say "yes" when everything about me is screaming NO! ? What is wrong with me? Why is it so confusing? I feel so torn up inside. I am really scared about not getting the teaching job. And scared about getting it. I don’t know if I can handle either one. Writing this has convinced me that I am not going to put myself in danger in a sex job. But I don’t know why this is such a painful and upsetting decision for me. I don’t know what anything means inside me. I feel so far away. jc
Response:
Thank you so much, Kevin. That was such a nice response. By writing what I wrote I believe I realized what it is I want. That what was obvious finally made the connection to me.
That’s one of the benefits I receive from posting too. I posted in this and another group about my recent struggles with purging, and I posted honestly what was going on, which can be hard to admit, to break the isolation, but the e-mails and responses have been amazingly healing and helpful. I wonder if what I am going through now is actually a reaction to last year. And I wonder if thinking about doing it again was an attempt to either further punish myself for it, or an attempt to reconcile myself–a way of dealing with it because I’d be face-to-face with it. I think it is better not to be face-to-face.
Awesome insights, and even more awesome conclusion. I think it really hurt me. I think that is what is so painful now. And terrifying. To let go of this self-destructive behavior that made me feel punished. I see now that what I need to do is let it go.
When letting go of familiar things (even painful and self destructive ones), there can be a void or some uncomfortable feelings. I’m exactly at that point myself right now, and facing these things too. It’s hard, emotionally painful, worth it, *and* rewarding. And that I should write a poem about it, or a letter, or anything, but I should not again put myself in that position. For me, it was just damaging. I mean, I ended up in a hospital, twice. I tried to kill myself.
I can relate. I ended up in alcohol treatment 4 times, and also tried to kill myself. What a reality check. Even so, we can still slip back. It helps to keep in mind where things led, and do things differently. Writing, journaling, a letter, poetry (funny… I wanted to spell that poetttttry 
can all help. What I want to do is replace the destructive behaviors with other ones. Not move away from the past, but toward the future. Not resist unhealthy behaviors, but embrace healthy ones. Another thing I am doing more of (still have a ways to go) is have more fun in my life. Pure enjoyment, just being, feeling, living. Gosh, I am really smart in other ways — how can I not be logical about myself? Thank you for replying. best, jc
Maybe we are thinking, feeling human beings, not just thinking human beings. Logic, intellect, analysis hasn’t gotten me very far. It can be an ally, but the more I can live in the world (instead of my head) the better off I am, the better I feel, and the less I will try to numb my pain. Sending you *continued* strength and courage (b.e.l.) Kevin
Response:
jacie, ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` ` well, i know what you mean about being a poor graduate student, and i know __exactly__ how you feel about the teaching job. but i don’t think you should take the path your thinking about taking. for whatever reason, you’re punishing yourself. you don’t deserve that. you deserve to be valued for who and what you are. i know i don’t "know" you, but i can identify with so much of what you say that it’s scary. i wonder if we were related in some other world, in some other lifetime? lol. anyway, my anxiety also demonstrates itself through bingeing episodes. then i run like a mad-woman. today, we had 6 more inches of snow, so i snowshoed for an hour and a half. i still feel completely inadequate and out of shape. i couldn’t sleep. that’s another symptom of my anxiety. i woke up at 2am this morning. i’m saying this only to let you know i know how you feel. isn’t there anything your therapist can do? i know i’ve made an appointment to see my doc (well, she’s a nurse practitioner, really). i know it can be tough. in my case, no one seems to think my problem is worth medicating. no one seems to care that i haven’t slept a full night for months, that i binge, that i have panic attacks everytime i __think__ about interviews… o.k. so you have my take on this issue. take care of yourself jaycie. go to the therapist again. and seriously consider taking another job if you must. but don’t act out on yourself in ways that will hurt you more. i’m off. maybe i’ll try to take my own advice, too. love, salamandra
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Wow…Thought it ought not be that way, I can understand where you’re coming from, JC. Especially after I stuck my foot into the battleground, I’m not sure if I want to speak up about *me.* You kind of feel like what you write is somehow going to be used against you or rubbed in your face. Anyway, I wanted to say that I can’t speak for other people, but you’re definitely safe with me reading it. And that’s probably the case with most people here. All the best, Jenn
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I’m sorry, I didn’t realize there was a particular post your were referring to. I must not have read it. Anyway, everything else that I said still applies….
Response:
Hi JC, Spoiler x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x Okay. I think that unloving sex (which doesn’t necessarily mean with strangers) is a way of treating our bodies as objects, in the same way that focus on body size is reducing us to just that, a body. I wish you could see that you are much more than that. You are a valuable human being! Something I’ve gotten a little consolation from lately is imagining myself as a child. And then I’m the mother who has to take care of that child. Would I stick my fingers down that child’s throat and make her purge, or would I let her be sexually abused? I can’t even conceive of anything more awful. Sometimes it helps to look at myself from the outside (would I treat me this way if I were someone else taking care of me?) Well, I hope this wasn’t totally confusing I’m sorry you’re hurting. Love to you, Dani – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I just want to say that. I am afraid everyone is going to attack me. It is too hard to talk about myself. It is really scary. jc
Response:
Ciao (((Jc.))))) I keep the spoiler. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Jaycie….your letter makes so much sense to me and do not be terrified to post it because it can actually be very inspirational to many of us having finished the struggle and still struggling but not matter what we are all in the same boat or should I call it in the same Arch.Arch gives a better sense of affection, love, communion . Jc ,from my experience sex is totally related with food.Food is a necessity and pleasure and sex too.Whenever in my life I have been struggling with food issues(3/4 of it actually!) this was also touch my sex life. I do not judge at all your decision to accept the escort job if you need the money for your school.But my question is …since you seem a very gifted , intelligent woman…is there any other way you can help your school fees without having a job that you do reject inside, that lowers your self esteem and that in a way it is like a subtle punishment? Jc, I know nothing about your life, your past so I can only attempt guesses…there is something buried in you that cries for help, to be taken care with love, real big capital letter LOVE!Listen to that voice.Otherwise it happens what it is just happening right now…(from your post freaky bad) "But why am I having such trauma over this "choice"? How can I say "yes" when everything about me is screaming NO! ? What is wrong with me? Why is it so confusing? I feel so torn up inside. You say yes while your inner JC says no because for long time you have neglected that part ,that innocent child, that guilt free part….Jc..try to just stop all the mind hectic network(being Italian I have fun inventing expressions!)and just concentrate on your heart.You can really be in touch with it anytime. Whenever I felt in such a split and also in kind of self-punish mood , I would take a nice bath, which in a way had a sort of purificatory sense.Close my eyes and just feel the water ,and feeling like back in the womb.Go back to yourself,you will discover such a friend, somebody you won’t put to unpleasant situations anymore..but somebody you want to protect and take care. It is a rewarding joirney into yourself Jc and you can just start it right now, I wish you all the best . Ciao ,my dear..you are not alone, Cila
