self-forgiveness
Question:
After reading a few different threads in the past week, I thought about this: The most difficult thing for me to do is to forgive myself. for anything. I walk around, always, punishing myself for at least one of the many mistakes that I can think of that I’ve made during my life. And if someone, anyone, but mostly the t, suggests that I shouldn’t punish myself in this way, I take immediate umbrage. It’s like I’m wedded to the idea of self-torment, self-disrespect, self-denigration. Like I’m so bad that no amount of scolding and shaming will ever suffice. Maybe I could get these feelings together with Nahanton’s anxiety and Nahanton and I can do some sort of purging ritual and watch them all swish down a storm drain someplace, huh? Because, in the big picture, I do know, somewhere, somehow, on some level that I ain’t as bad as all that, but I can’t let it go. Or I can’t rid myself of it. trill
Response:
Hey trill…..scroll below – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -After reading a few different threads in the past week, I thought about this: The most difficult thing for me to do is to forgive myself. for anything. I walk around, always, punishing myself for at least one of the many mistakes that I can think of that I’ve made during my life. And if someone, anyone, but mostly the t, suggests that I shouldn’t punish myself in this way, I take immediate umbrage. It’s like I’m wedded to the idea of self-torment, self-disrespect, self-denigration. Like I’m so bad that no amount of scolding and shaming will ever suffice. Maybe I could get these feelings together with Nahanton’s anxiety and Nahanton and I can do some sort of purging ritual and watch them all swish down a storm drain someplace, huh? Because, in the big picture, I do know, somewhere, somehow, on some level that I ain’t as bad as all that, but I can’t let it go. Or I can’t rid myself of it. trill Sorry, I mean no disrespect, but your post struck me as very funny :O) :O) If
we took my "anxiety" and the "mistakes" that you should be punished for, and tried to purge them somehow, they would get all mixed up together: the anxiety and mistakes would belong to us both, and there wouldn’t be a storm drain big enough to contain it all……Maybe the Atlantic Ocean??? Before we dumped it into the ocean, we should make a list of other behaviors that are detrimental to our lives, (all asders are welcome to join in this) and then rent several dump trucks to help us empty all of the accumulated stuff. BTW, the dinner I had Friday night went (from what I can remember) well. At one point one of my guests said to me, "Nahanton, everything is wonderful. You have a way of making things look so easy." I think I was about comatose when she said this, but of course _she_ didn’t know this. Nor did she know that I had been having panic attacks and whining to everyone on the ng about it. So trill, if you want to get into anxiety, self-torment, self-disrespect, self-denigration….you came to the right place. Nahanton :O)
Response:
trill, if you want to get into anxiety, self-torment, self-disrespect, self-denigration….you came to the right place. Nahanton :O)
lol Thanks for the welcome, Nahanton. I can tell I’ve arrived. Now, lets get down! trill p.s. Today I talked to a 67 yr. old guy with a new age name about moving into his victorian mansion with a jacuzzi and swimming pool. He runs the household like co-op. The house is fabulous, but talk about anxiety, self-torment, self-disrespect, an self-denigration… Oy. This guy said to me that he can see why I’d want to get out of the neighborhood I live in because it looks to him like it’s turning into "the ghetto!" (Need I say that this remark totally angered me?) Then he asked me if, as a lesbian, I would become militantly angry if a young man, and he did say "young" man, expressed an attraction to me. To this I laughed. I said that if a young anybody expressed an attraction to me I would probably feel flattered, but that if anybody at all tried to get close to me, after I politely made it clear that I had no interest, that I would be irritated. Oh yeah, and when I asked the guy about quiet, he said that yes, people keep their televisions down. Then, later in the conversation, he proceeded to tell me that he holds dance classes there once a week and pot lucks every other week, and that I’d be welcome to join both of those activities. Guess I’ll stay here. But, darn, a jacuzzi and a swimming pool and 5 fireplaces and a wood burning stove and people to share the cooking and chores… too bad.
Response:
Sorry, I keep not finishing the post. I’m glad your dinner went well. Or that your guests thought it went well. Is there anybody inside there with you who might have participated more than you whom you could maybe debrief? Sometimes when I miss out on something I can get some alter to tell me about it. And, now, even, I can sometimes access the memories of another alter as if they are my own. Oy. Can you imagine saying something like that to a population other than dissoids and being understood? Hey! Another reason for anxiety. `,:) trill
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hey trill…..scroll below After reading a few different threads in the past week, I thought about this: The most difficult thing for me to do is to forgive myself. for anything. I walk around, always, punishing myself for at least one of the many mistakes that I can think of that I’ve made during my life. And if someone, anyone, but mostly the t, suggests that I shouldn’t punish myself in this way, I take immediate umbrage. It’s like I’m wedded to the idea of self-torment, self-disrespect, self-denigration. Like I’m so bad that no amount of scolding and shaming will ever suffice. Maybe I could get these feelings together with Nahanton’s anxiety and Nahanton and I can do some sort of purging ritual and watch them all swish down a storm drain someplace, huh? Because, in the big picture, I do know, somewhere, somehow, on some level that I ain’t as bad as all that, but I can’t let it go. Or I can’t rid myself of it. trill Sorry, I mean no disrespect, but your post struck me as very funny :O) :O) If we took my "anxiety" and the "mistakes" that you should be punished for, and tried to purge them somehow, they would get all mixed up together: the anxiety and mistakes would belong to us both, and there wouldn’t be a storm drain big enough to contain it all……Maybe the Atlantic Ocean??? Before we dumped it into the ocean, we should make a list of other behaviors that are detrimental to our lives, (all asders are welcome to join in this) and then rent several dump trucks to help us empty all of the accumulated stuff. BTW, the dinner I had Friday night went (from what I can remember) well. At one point one of my guests said to me, "Nahanton, everything is wonderful. You have a way of making things look so easy." I think I was about comatose when she said this, but of course _she_ didn’t know this. Nor did she know that I had been having panic attacks and whining to everyone on the ng about it. So trill, if you want to get into anxiety, self-torment, self-disrespect, self-denigration….you came to the right place. Nahanton :O)
Response:
Oh, btw, it’s not the mistakes that I think about purging so much as the tendency I have to punish myself for them. To despise myself for them. To be disgusted with myself for them. To be, ultimately, totally ashamed of myself for them. trill……I did get it. I know that it’s not *just* the mistakes. Of course the tendency to want to punish oneself for them just follows. I understand……. What does Bernie say? "In Solidarity" Nahanton (who, for some reason, can’t feel serious today) trill
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hey trill…..scroll below After reading a few different threads in the past week, I thought about this: The most difficult thing for me to do is to forgive myself. for anything. I walk around, always, punishing myself for at least one of the many mistakes that I can think of that I’ve made during my life. And if someone, anyone, but mostly the t, suggests that I shouldn’t punish myself in this way, I take immediate umbrage. It’s like I’m wedded to the idea of self-torment, self-disrespect, self-denigration. Like I’m so bad that no amount of scolding and shaming will ever suffice. Maybe I could get these feelings together with Nahanton’s anxiety and Nahanton and I can do some sort of purging ritual and watch them all swish down a storm drain someplace, huh? Because, in the big picture, I do know, somewhere, somehow, on some level that I ain’t as bad as all that, but I can’t let it go. Or I can’t rid myself of it. trill Sorry, I mean no disrespect, but your post struck me as very funny :O) :O) If we took my "anxiety" and the "mistakes" that you should be punished for, and tried to purge them somehow, they would get all mixed up together: the anxiety and mistakes would belong to us both, and there wouldn’t be a storm drain big enough to contain it all……Maybe the Atlantic Ocean??? Before we dumped it into the ocean, we should make a list of other behaviors that are detrimental to our lives, (all asders are welcome to join in this) and then rent several dump trucks to help us empty all of the accumulated stuff. BTW, the dinner I had Friday night went (from what I can remember) well. At one point one of my guests said to me, "Nahanton, everything is wonderful. You have a way of making things look so easy." I think I was about comatose when she said this, but of course _she_ didn’t know this. Nor did she know that I had been having panic attacks and whining to everyone on the ng about it. So trill, if you want to get into anxiety, self-torment, self-disrespect, self-denigration….you came to the right place. Nahanton :O)
Response:
Hey trill… Scroll down…."like" please…
trill, if you want to get into anxiety, self-torment, self-disrespect, self-denigration….you came to the right place. Nahanton :O)
lol Thanks for the welcome, Nahanton. I can tell I’ve arrived. Now, lets get down! trill p.s. Today I talked to a 67 yr. old guy with a new age name about moving into his victorian mansion with a jacuzzi and swimming pool. He runs the household like co-op. The house is fabulous, but talk about anxiety, self-torment, self-disrespect, an self-denigration… Oy. This guy said to me that he can see why I’d want to get out of the neighborhood I live in because it looks to him like it’s turning into "the ghetto!" (Need I say that this remark totally angered me?) Then he asked me if, as a lesbian, I would become militantly angry if a young man, and he did say "young" man, expressed an attraction to me. To this I laughed. I said that if a young anybody expressed an attraction to me I would probably feel flattered, but that if anybody at all tried to get close to me, after I politely made it clear that I had no interest, that I would be irritated. Oh yeah, and when I asked the guy about quiet, he said that yes, people keep their televisions down. Then, later in the conversation, he proceeded to tell me that he holds dance classes there once a week and pot lucks every other week, and that I’d be welcome to join both of those activities. Guess I’ll stay here. But, darn, a jacuzzi and a swimming pool and 5 fireplaces and a wood burning stove and people to share the cooking and chores… too bad. Don’t take this too personally, trill, but aren’t you getting a "tad" picky? Here you have an opportunity to move into a mansion with a jacuzzi and swimming pool, and you want to make a big deal over a new age name? Is it like "Moon Yonder, Yah," or something? How bad is that? When he mentioned that your neighborhood looked to him like it was turning into "the ghetto." ….before you got angry, did you ask him what _kind_ of ghetto he was referring to? That might’ve made a difference in whether to get angry with him or not. I thought that the response that you’d be flattered with attraction by either gender was a good one, and politely made, so why the irritation? All in all, I think that you’re making a big mistake by not moving in with these ppl. They sound like "your" kind of ppl. Dance classes, pot lucks, company, good stimulating conversation, ……and they’re welcoming you to join them? Think this decision over carefully, you don’t want to make a mistake you’ll regret. With only your best interests at heart…… Nahanton :O)
Response:
Oh, btw, it’s not the mistakes that I think about purging so much as the tendency I have to punish myself for them. To despise myself for them. To be disgusted with myself for them. To be, ultimately, totally ashamed of myself for them. trill
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hey trill…..scroll below After reading a few different threads in the past week, I thought about this: The most difficult thing for me to do is to forgive myself. for anything. I walk around, always, punishing myself for at least one of the many mistakes that I can think of that I’ve made during my life. And if someone, anyone, but mostly the t, suggests that I shouldn’t punish myself in this way, I take immediate umbrage. It’s like I’m wedded to the idea of self-torment, self-disrespect, self-denigration. Like I’m so bad that no amount of scolding and shaming will ever suffice. Maybe I could get these feelings together with Nahanton’s anxiety and Nahanton and I can do some sort of purging ritual and watch them all swish down a storm drain someplace, huh? Because, in the big picture, I do know, somewhere, somehow, on some level that I ain’t as bad as all that, but I can’t let it go. Or I can’t rid myself of it. trill Sorry, I mean no disrespect, but your post struck me as very funny :O) :O) If we took my "anxiety" and the "mistakes" that you should be punished for, and tried to purge them somehow, they would get all mixed up together: the anxiety and mistakes would belong to us both, and there wouldn’t be a storm drain big enough to contain it all……Maybe the Atlantic Ocean??? Before we dumped it into the ocean, we should make a list of other behaviors that are detrimental to our lives, (all asders are welcome to join in this) and then rent several dump trucks to help us empty all of the accumulated stuff. BTW, the dinner I had Friday night went (from what I can remember) well. At one point one of my guests said to me, "Nahanton, everything is wonderful. You have a way of making things look so easy." I think I was about comatose when she said this, but of course _she_ didn’t know this. Nor did she know that I had been having panic attacks and whining to everyone on the ng about it. So trill, if you want to get into anxiety, self-torment, self-disrespect, self-denigration….you came to the right place. Nahanton :O)
Response:
Here, Safari, I’m reposting it for you. I hope you’re okay. In my book you’re one of the great ones, so, if that counts for anything maybe you can put it towards loving and forgiving yourself. I can’t see what could require any difficult effort in self-forgiving though. You are thoughtful, sensitive, considerate, kind, and generous. That’s pretty good. Right? trill After reading a few different threads in the past week, I thought about this: The most difficult thing for me to do is to forgive myself. for anything. I walk around, always, punishing myself for at least one of the many mistakes that I can think of that I’ve made during my life. And if someone, anyone, but mostly the t, suggests that I shouldn’t punish myself in this way, I take immediate umbrage. It’s like I’m wedded to the idea of self-torment, self-disrespect, self-denigration. Like I’m so bad that no amount of scolding and shaming will ever suffice. Maybe I could get these feelings together with Nahanton’s anxiety and Nahanton and I can do some sort of purging ritual and watch them all swish down a storm drain someplace, huh? Because, in the big picture, I do know, somewhere, somehow, on some level that I ain’t as bad as all that, but I can’t let it go. Or I can’t rid myself of it. trill
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Well Trill, I lost the original you posted 
( Guess I am gonna have to go search the archieves. Because right now self forgiveness/self hate is a BIG topic for me. Safari ROFLOLPIP AND Clutching my jiggling belly. trilloid to Nahantoid Oy oid. trill…….scroll below….. Sorry, I keep not finishing the post. That’s ok. My minds wanders easily too. I’m glad your dinner went well. Or that your guests thought it went well. That’s what they said, or maybe it’s what they’re "supposed" to say. Is there anybody inside there with you who might have participated more than you whom you could maybe debrief? Huh?? Sometimes when I miss out on something I can get some alter to tell me about it. And, now, even, I can sometimes access the memories of another alter as if they are my own. Huh, huh??? Oy. Can you imagine saying something like that to a population other than dissoids and being understood? Hey! Another reason for anxiety. You should feel anxious, I don’t understand a word that you said above. Dissoid…..what’s that???? Nahanton trill Hey trill…..scroll below After reading a few different threads in the past week, I thought about this: The most difficult thing for me to do is to forgive myself. for anything. I walk around, always, punishing myself for at least one of the many mistakes that I can think of that I’ve made during my life. And if someone, anyone, but mostly the t, suggests that I shouldn’t punish myself in this way, I take immediate umbrage. It’s like I’m wedded to the idea of self-torment, self-disrespect, self-denigration. Like I’m so bad that no amount of scolding and shaming will ever suffice. Maybe I could get these feelings together with Nahanton’s anxiety and Nahanton and I can do some sort of purging ritual and watch them all swish down a storm drain someplace, huh? Because, in the big picture, I do know, somewhere, somehow, on some level that I ain’t as bad as all that, but I can’t let it go. Or I can’t rid myself of it. trill Sorry, I mean no disrespect, but your post struck me as very funny :O) :O) If we took my "anxiety" and the "mistakes" that you should be punished for, and tried to purge them somehow, they would get all mixed up together: the anxiety and mistakes would belong to us both, and there wouldn’t be a storm drain big enough to contain it all……Maybe the Atlantic Ocean??? Before we dumped it into the ocean, we should make a list of other behaviors that are detrimental to our lives, (all asders are welcome to join in this) and then rent several dump trucks to help us empty all of the accumulated stuff. BTW, the dinner I had Friday night went (from what I can remember) well. At one point one of my guests said to me, "Nahanton, everything is wonderful. You have a way of making things look so easy." I think I was about comatose when she said this, but of course _she_ didn’t know this. Nor did she know that I had been having panic attacks and whining to everyone on the ng about it. So trill, if you want to get into anxiety, self-torment, self-disrespect, self-denigration….you came to the right place. Nahanton :O)
Response:
Thanks Trill for the repost as well as the kind comments. Although things have been mostly helter skelter the last couple of months. I have had no real time to work on my stuff. (moving, open house, teaching etc has all come in a very short time) I was talking to my t a couple of weeks ago– about self-hate. I can say all the words that I am a good person and know it rationally. Yet, it doesn’t seem to make it to the core of me. The emotional connection is only on a superficial level. The level that the world sees. Yet, underneath many layers is a total feeling of self-hate. And it seems no matter what I do I can’t reach that part and work through it. It is always there lingering about. Sometimes less- sometimes more but always there. Just beyond my reach. I sat down and wrote all the things that came to mind when I thought of self hate. So many of the things were things that were told to me by my foo. All those things are so ingrained I am not sure if I will ever be able to separate them out. "what’s wrong with you?" "you shouldn’t feel that way." "you were a mistake." and the list goes on– tiny threads completely interwoven in my character. My self punishment– is perfectionism. In fact a lot of people are perfectionists– but I bring it to a whole new level. I have plenty of forgiveness for others for their faults and mistakes– but zero tolerance for mine. I push myself to complete in utter exhaustion in trying to make everything perfect. Example? Well last week we had the grand opening for our new training facility. I am/was the project move manager of it. So for the last two months– I have been working anywhere from 10 to 16 hours a day in order to get ready for the grand opening. Working with different vendors and such to ensure all the new equipment was installed and also to ensure the catering, party and cocktail party was a success. It was a huge success and I received many compliments. Yet, I am sitting here still beating myself up for the smallest things that did not go right last week. This is a gravity issue it is done and over with — and yet here I am still replaying things in my mind– thinking what I should of/ could of done to avoid certain things or improve things. There is a lot more I need to discuss about this, but right now this is all that comes to mind. Safari
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Here, Safari, I’m reposting it for you. I hope you’re okay. In my book you’re one of the great ones, so, if that counts for anything maybe you can put it towards loving and forgiving yourself. I can’t see what could require any difficult effort in self-forgiving though. You are thoughtful, sensitive, considerate, kind, and generous. That’s pretty good. Right? trill After reading a few different threads in the past week, I thought about this: The most difficult thing for me to do is to forgive myself. for anything. I walk around, always, punishing myself for at least one of the many mistakes that I can think of that I’ve made during my life. And if someone, anyone, but mostly the t, suggests that I shouldn’t punish myself in this way, I take immediate umbrage. It’s like I’m wedded to the idea of self-torment, self-disrespect, self-denigration. Like I’m so bad that no amount of scolding and shaming will ever suffice. Maybe I could get these feelings together with Nahanton’s anxiety and Nahanton and I can do some sort of purging ritual and watch them all swish down a storm drain someplace, huh? Because, in the big picture, I do know, somewhere, somehow, on some level that I ain’t as bad as all that, but I can’t let it go. Or I can’t rid myself of it. trill Well Trill, I lost the original you posted ( Guess I am gonna have to go search the archieves. Because right now self forgiveness/self hate is a BIG topic for me. Safari ROFLOLPIP AND Clutching my jiggling belly. trilloid to Nahantoid Oy oid. trill…….scroll below….. Sorry, I keep not finishing the post. That’s ok. My minds wanders easily too. I’m glad your dinner went well. Or that your guests thought it went well. That’s what they said, or maybe it’s what they’re "supposed" to say. Is there anybody inside there with you who might have participated more than you whom you could maybe debrief? Huh?? Sometimes when I miss out on something I can get some alter to tell me about it. And, now, even, I can sometimes access the memories of another alter as if they are my own. Huh, huh??? Oy. Can you imagine saying something like that to a population other than dissoids and being understood? Hey! Another reason for anxiety. You should feel anxious, I don’t understand a word that you said above. Dissoid…..what’s that???? Nahanton trill Hey trill…..scroll below After reading a few different threads in the past week, I thought about this: The most difficult thing for me to do is to forgive myself. for anything. I walk around, always, punishing myself for at least one of the many mistakes that I can think of that I’ve made during my life. And if someone, anyone, but mostly the t, suggests that I shouldn’t punish myself in this way, I take immediate umbrage. It’s like I’m wedded to the idea of self-torment, self-disrespect, self-denigration. Like I’m so bad that no amount of scolding and shaming will ever suffice. Maybe I could get these feelings together with Nahanton’s anxiety and Nahanton and I can do some sort of purging ritual and watch them all swish down a storm drain someplace, huh? Because, in the big picture, I do know, somewhere, somehow, on some level that I ain’t as bad as all that, but I can’t let it go. Or I can’t rid myself of it. trill Sorry, I mean no disrespect, but your post struck me as very funny :O) :O) If we took my "anxiety" and the "mistakes" that you should be punished for, and tried to purge them somehow, they would get all mixed up together: the anxiety and mistakes would belong to us both, and there wouldn’t be a storm drain big enough to contain it all……Maybe the Atlantic Ocean??? Before we dumped it into the ocean, we should make a list of other behaviors that are detrimental to our lives, (all asders are welcome to join in this) and then rent several dump trucks to help us empty all of the accumulated stuff. BTW, the dinner I had Friday night went (from what I can remember) well. At one point one of my guests said to me, "Nahanton, everything is wonderful. You have a way of making things look so easy." I think I was about comatose when she said this, but of course _she_ didn’t know this. Nor did she know that I had been having panic attacks and whining to everyone on the ng about it. So trill, if you want to get into anxiety, self-torment, self-disrespect, self-denigration….you came to the right place. Nahanton :O)
Response:
Well Trill, I lost the original you posted ( Guess I am gonna have to go search the archieves. Because right now self forgiveness/self hate is a BIG topic for me. Safari
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – ROFLOLPIP AND Clutching my jiggling belly. trilloid to Nahantoid Oy oid. trill…….scroll below….. Sorry, I keep not finishing the post. That’s ok. My minds wanders easily too. I’m glad your dinner went well. Or that your guests thought it went well. That’s what they said, or maybe it’s what they’re "supposed" to say. Is there anybody inside there with you who might have participated more than you whom you could maybe debrief? Huh?? Sometimes when I miss out on something I can get some alter to tell me about it. And, now, even, I can sometimes access the memories of another alter as if they are my own. Huh, huh??? Oy. Can you imagine saying something like that to a population other than dissoids and being understood? Hey! Another reason for anxiety. You should feel anxious, I don’t understand a word that you said above. Dissoid…..what’s that???? Nahanton trill Hey trill…..scroll below After reading a few different threads in the past week, I thought about this: The most difficult thing for me to do is to forgive myself. for anything. I walk around, always, punishing myself for at least one of the many mistakes that I can think of that I’ve made during my life. And if someone, anyone, but mostly the t, suggests that I shouldn’t punish myself in this way, I take immediate umbrage. It’s like I’m wedded to the idea of self-torment, self-disrespect, self-denigration. Like I’m so bad that no amount of scolding and shaming will ever suffice. Maybe I could get these feelings together with Nahanton’s anxiety and Nahanton and I can do some sort of purging ritual and watch them all swish down a storm drain someplace, huh? Because, in the big picture, I do know, somewhere, somehow, on some level that I ain’t as bad as all that, but I can’t let it go. Or I can’t rid myself of it. trill Sorry, I mean no disrespect, but your post struck me as very funny :O) :O) If we took my "anxiety" and the "mistakes" that you should be punished for, and tried to purge them somehow, they would get all mixed up together: the anxiety and mistakes would belong to us both, and there wouldn’t be a storm drain big enough to contain it all……Maybe the Atlantic Ocean??? Before we dumped it into the ocean, we should make a list of other behaviors that are detrimental to our lives, (all asders are welcome to join in this) and then rent several dump trucks to help us empty all of the accumulated stuff. BTW, the dinner I had Friday night went (from what I can remember) well. At one point one of my guests said to me, "Nahanton, everything is wonderful. You have a way of making things look so easy." I think I was about comatose when she said this, but of course _she_ didn’t know this. Nor did she know that I had been having panic attacks and whining to everyone on the ng about it. So trill, if you want to get into anxiety, self-torment, self-disrespect, self-denigration….you came to the right place. Nahanton :O)
Response:
Oh, btw, it’s not the mistakes that I think about purging so much as the tendency I have to punish myself for them. To despise myself for them. To be disgusted with myself for them. To be, ultimately, totally ashamed of myself for them.
This is one of the biggest things I struggle with. The sense of shame is always there, and when I do any little dumb thing (approximately two hundred times per hour), the shame just comes pouring over me in waves. To some extent, journalling, being out in nature, and having relationships where I know I have something to offer or that the other person values me (mainly with my clients and t, respectively) help, but it is still an issue. -Nancy
Response:
ROFLOLPIP AND Clutching my jiggling belly. trilloid to Nahantoid Oy oid.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – trill…….scroll below….. Sorry, I keep not finishing the post. That’s ok. My minds wanders easily too. I’m glad your dinner went well. Or that your guests thought it went well. That’s what they said, or maybe it’s what they’re "supposed" to say. Is there anybody inside there with you who might have participated more than you whom you could maybe debrief? Huh?? Sometimes when I miss out on something I can get some alter to tell me about it. And, now, even, I can sometimes access the memories of another alter as if they are my own. Huh, huh??? Oy. Can you imagine saying something like that to a population other than dissoids and being understood? Hey! Another reason for anxiety. You should feel anxious, I don’t understand a word that you said above. Dissoid…..what’s that???? Nahanton trill Hey trill…..scroll below After reading a few different threads in the past week, I thought about this: The most difficult thing for me to do is to forgive myself. for anything. I walk around, always, punishing myself for at least one of the many mistakes that I can think of that I’ve made during my life. And if someone, anyone, but mostly the t, suggests that I shouldn’t punish myself in this way, I take immediate umbrage. It’s like I’m wedded to the idea of self-torment, self-disrespect, self-denigration. Like I’m so bad that no amount of scolding and shaming will ever suffice. Maybe I could get these feelings together with Nahanton’s anxiety and Nahanton and I can do some sort of purging ritual and watch them all swish down a storm drain someplace, huh? Because, in the big picture, I do know, somewhere, somehow, on some level that I ain’t as bad as all that, but I can’t let it go. Or I can’t rid myself of it. trill Sorry, I mean no disrespect, but your post struck me as very funny :O) :O) If we took my "anxiety" and the "mistakes" that you should be punished for, and tried to purge them somehow, they would get all mixed up together: the anxiety and mistakes would belong to us both, and there wouldn’t be a storm drain big enough to contain it all……Maybe the Atlantic Ocean??? Before we dumped it into the ocean, we should make a list of other behaviors that are detrimental to our lives, (all asders are welcome to join in this) and then rent several dump trucks to help us empty all of the accumulated stuff. BTW, the dinner I had Friday night went (from what I can remember) well. At one point one of my guests said to me, "Nahanton, everything is wonderful. You have a way of making things look so easy." I think I was about comatose when she said this, but of course _she_ didn’t know this. Nor did she know that I had been having panic attacks and whining to everyone on the ng about it. So trill, if you want to get into anxiety, self-torment, self-disrespect, self-denigration….you came to the right place. Nahanton :O)
Response:
Hey, can I move in if you’re passing the place up? 
If it’s within an hour or so of NJ, let me know the address!!! I could use a mansion with a jacuzzi and swimming pool I think I’d also have been upset by the "ghetto" comment, but I try to be tolerant of anyone within five years of my grandparents’ age making comments that may have more to do with a different generation than anything else (this guy just meets that criteria under the wire- my grandmother and mother both had kids very, very young- now if a 65 year old made that comment, I’d be really mad). And I wouldn’t be thrilled by living in a house with weekly dance classes and pot lucks, but I’d probably just go hang out at a bookstore or something those one or two nights per week. I hope you can either work things out so this place is ok for you, or find someplace better so you don’t have to stay where you are. -Nancy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – p.s. Today I talked to a 67 yr. old guy with a new age name about moving into his victorian mansion with a jacuzzi and swimming pool. He runs the household like co-op. The house is fabulous, but talk about anxiety, self-torment, self-disrespect, an self-denigration… Oy. This guy said to me that he can see why I’d want to get out of the neighborhood I live in because it looks to him like it’s turning into "the ghetto!" (Need I say that this remark totally angered me?) Then he asked me if, as a lesbian, I would become militantly angry if a young man, and he did say "young" man, expressed an attraction to me. To this I laughed. I said that if a young anybody expressed an attraction to me I would probably feel flattered, but that if anybody at all tried to get close to me, after I politely made it clear that I had no interest, that I would be irritated. Oh yeah, and when I asked the guy about quiet, he said that yes, people keep their televisions down. Then, later in the conversation, he proceeded to tell me that he holds dance classes there once a week and pot lucks every other week, and that I’d be welcome to join both of those activities. Guess I’ll stay here. But, darn, a jacuzzi and a swimming pool and 5 fireplaces and a wood burning stove and people to share the cooking and chores… too bad.
Response:
trill…….scroll below….. Sorry, I keep not finishing the post. That’s ok. My minds wanders easily too. I’m glad your dinner went well. Or that your guests thought it went well. That’s what they said, or maybe it’s what they’re "supposed" to say. Is there anybody inside there with you who might have participated more than you whom you could maybe debrief? Huh?? Sometimes when I miss out on something I can get some alter to tell me about it. And, now, even, I can sometimes access the memories of another alter as if they are my own. Huh, huh??? Oy. Can you imagine saying something like that to a population other than dissoids and being understood? Hey! Another reason for anxiety. You should feel anxious, I don’t understand a word that you said above. Dissoid…..what’s that???? Nahanton trill
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hey trill…..scroll below After reading a few different threads in the past week, I thought about this: The most difficult thing for me to do is to forgive myself. for anything. I walk around, always, punishing myself for at least one of the many mistakes that I can think of that I’ve made during my life. And if someone, anyone, but mostly the t, suggests that I shouldn’t punish myself in this way, I take immediate umbrage. It’s like I’m wedded to the idea of self-torment, self-disrespect, self-denigration. Like I’m so bad that no amount of scolding and shaming will ever suffice. Maybe I could get these feelings together with Nahanton’s anxiety and Nahanton and I can do some sort of purging ritual and watch them all swish down a storm drain someplace, huh? Because, in the big picture, I do know, somewhere, somehow, on some level that I ain’t as bad as all that, but I can’t let it go. Or I can’t rid myself of it. trill Sorry, I mean no disrespect, but your post struck me as very funny :O) :O) If we took my "anxiety" and the "mistakes" that you should be punished for, and tried to purge them somehow, they would get all mixed up together: the anxiety and mistakes would belong to us both, and there wouldn’t be a storm drain big enough to contain it all……Maybe the Atlantic Ocean??? Before we dumped it into the ocean, we should make a list of other behaviors that are detrimental to our lives, (all asders are welcome to join in this) and then rent several dump trucks to help us empty all of the accumulated stuff. BTW, the dinner I had Friday night went (from what I can remember) well. At one point one of my guests said to me, "Nahanton, everything is wonderful. You have a way of making things look so easy." I think I was about comatose when she said this, but of course _she_ didn’t know this. Nor did she know that I had been having panic attacks and whining to everyone on the ng about it. So trill, if you want to get into anxiety, self-torment, self-disrespect, self-denigration….you came to the right place. Nahanton :O)
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