so glad i planned ahead
Question:
thank you delirium and tasha. i am back from my nanas house. i am really glad i went. i slept thirteen hours!!!!!!! hugs shell
Response:
ditto. well, since I’m new here and no one knows me and vice versa, I can definitely understand if you wouldn’t feel comfortable emailing me about something that personal. But I just thought I would say, if you ever do need to talk to someone about that, I’ve been in the same situation, and I’m here. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – if anyoen has dealt with abuse issues can you please email me? I have….lots of them. If you need to talk, I am here. Love Nikki "… lost in the darkness of my own circumstance, criticizing echoes leaving me awake in the night… the barrier and blockades that keep me safe and in control while I pretend that I am okay… "
Response:
shell, i am so glad you have a safe place in your nanas to go to. you are making the choice, but taking advantage of this, to get well. good for you. am i the only one/ i mean, i have only dated a few times in my life, alwyas for just a few weeks, and always severre panic attacks each time. have always, avoided anythign sexual , the only experiences were those forced upon me.
ditto me. you aren’t the only one. i feel like a freak too. except i wasn’t abused. i don’t think. keep taking care of yourself babe. you’re an inspiration to me, right now. tasha
Response:
thanks jodie, i am hanging in there. i learn it passes, just as cravings do LOL! it passes, it comes back, it passes, but i survive. i still feel out of sorts, but to a lesser degree now that it is two to three hours later. going on with my day. a safe night tonight, a b/p free night tonight at my nanas is coming my way hugs to you shell
Response:
Shell, I am so proud of you. You have such healthy things happening, kiddo! I know, scary, bizarre, to feel such new things, but wonderful, nonetheless! I understand the desire to just throw up, to get rid of it, but you’ll find if you don’t it will be so much more productive!!! Hugs to you, Jodie
Response:
if anyoen has dealt with abuse issues can you please email me?
I have….lots of them. If you need to talk, I am here. Love Nikki "… lost in the darkness of my own circumstance, criticizing echoes leaving me awake in the night… the barrier and blockades that keep me safe and in control while I pretend that I am okay… "
Response:
last night i called my nana. see, last thursday i had therapy. had tons of feelings. then had to go across the lake to housesit a few days. everything long distance, no meetings, no therapist, alone. and scared. and b/p away. came home, kissed the ground and stabilized myself. hey, a b/p free night last night! anyway, last night i called my nana. i planned ahead this time. i had a feeling i wouldnt want to be alone after therapy today. yeah. glad i did. it was hard for me, a lot of times after therapy i would feel like wanting to hide. but i would hide and then b/p. nope. not this time. i had therapy this morning. very productive. but i STILL an hour later have butterflies in my stomach and want to throw up my feelings. dont want to b/p, just throw up. its unsettling. yet i am damn proud of myself. i am healing yall. for real. wow. its so freeing and so scary too. spoilered 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 we talked about a lot of stuff i have been too ashamed to talk abou tin the past. or things i have talked about but never with feeling. well the feelings are all over the place. but it feels so cathartic to release them. but very scary. i really feel like i am going to throw up. all the fear and panic came up wheni talked about my abuse from my mom and dad. sheesh. and we finally talked about my immense fear of dating and men and sexuality. i would always have panic attacks just getting ready for date, pleading and crying not to have to go. my mom would get furious and yell at me, what is your problem? why arent y9ou normal? it just increased the shame. i am so freaking grateful to have a thearpist i totally trust with all my heart and whom i can talk about these things to. but how do you settle yourself after therapy when you are just overrun with butterflies in yoru stomach? how do you ground yourself? i am so glad i am going to nanas today. sleepign htere. i have only slept four hours since saturday. its awful. but i know tonight i will sleep well at her house. i usually do. sometimes up to ten hours. my nanas house has always been a safe place. if anyoen has dealt with abuse issues can you please email me? another question for those who have stopped b/p behaviors or are recovering from anorexia? aside from emotional reawakening, what about physical? liek even feeling your hands again and such. its funny. i get so overly stimulated sometime. my whole body has been numb for years. my therapist said its strange how there isnt literature on it , but i am not eh first client to come in and freak out cause they could feel their body again. i was so worried soem of the things i was feeling were somatic memories. although not painful. she said no, its normal. you arent used to it. everyone can feel all their parts shelley. you just arent used to it. you have been numb. it just freaks you out because of the trauma. if it were painful then those would be somatic memories. that helped ease some of my fears. i have been staying at home a lot afraid to go out into the world for fear of something triggering off some memory. just having a blue snowball a week ago is what spurred all these feelings. so it helped, to knwo this is normal. what i am feeling. the hardest part, i hadnt even been able to talk about in therapy, was how ashamed i feel, how different, how not normal. again, mom didnt help much in this regard only fueled the shame. but i am so embarrassed, to be 26 and be petrified of anything sexual. i have avoided it all costs. and always felt liek a freak cause of it. am i the only one/ i mean, i have only dated a few times in my life, alwyas for just a few weeks, and always severre panic attacks each time. have always, avoided anythign sexual , the only experiences were those forced upon me. if anyone has dealt with this, how did you not b/p away the feelings? emotional and physical how did you regroup after therapy appts and talking about all ths and reexperiencing the feelings both physically and emotionally. i am learning i am coping, i am getting through this. its no longer about food. that i am so glad for, that my eyes have been opened. the urges for binge food dont exist. its still hard to get myself to eat enough, but i make myself. and sometimes i wasnt to throw up , like now, but i dont . i am looking forward to going to my nanas. safe and sound hugs shell
